The hardest part of moving forward is not looking back.

The decision has been made and it's time time to move forward.

Tomorrow starts another new chapter in this journey. I will be spending the next 12 weeks or so focusing on rebuilding the muscle and strength I lost when I was ill and forced to take time off from training. My main goal is to regain and surpass my previous strength, firm up and hopefully bulk up a bit too.

 My diet will not be as restricted as it was when I was in full training mode. Instead of focusing on carb cycling and cutting body fat, I will be focusing on maintaining my current body fat percentage and staying within a 5-10 lb range with my weight. I'll still be food journaling but instead of focusing on carbs I will be focusing on my overall calorie intake as well as upping my protein intake to build my muscle back up. It's been freeing not having to be so precise with my carb intake and allowing myself to enjoy food again instead of being in the mindset of food=fuel. Chocolate, ice cream, yogurt, bread are my friends again. :-)

I am already feeling a mental and emotional boost from taking this short break from being so precise and restrictive with my training and eating. I have been working so hard, nonstop for over 6 months with the main goal all along to get to the point where I would be competition ready. My mental/emotional endurance was running out. Now that the possibility of reaching that goal is simply out of reach for the short term I am ready to loosen the grip on my self discipline and rigidity in my training and eating.

 I know that this break is right on time and it will allow me to grow in love with my workouts again and alleviate some of the stress of planning meals and maintaining such a strict workout regime. It's been nice not to be so hard on myself to fit all my training in and freeing to not feel so guilty if I don't get to a workout every day or eat something I shouldn't.

I would also like to start working on some of my career goals and implementing a plan of action to keep moving forward. I'm excited to see what I can do in the next few months to achieve this goal. I have several things in brain rotation.

On the health front, I am feeling really good physically. I am hoping that this week will be a changing one, as I see my doctor on Wednesday and will hopefully, finally be ready to start my "forever" medication and begin tapering off this prednisone. *fingers crossed*

I am continuing to put one foot in front of the other and refuse to look back. It's only forward movement and thinking for me. And I am continuing to gain strength and motivation from all of my wonderfully supportive family and friends. I don't know if I could have pushed through all of this entirely on my own. I am genuinely most grateful and appreciative of every one's love. <3


"My friends are my estate." - Emily Dickinson.

Sometimes we must use the wings we are given to not only fly but to soar

I have so much in my head I don't know where to start.....

My Health:

 I am heading into week 3 on prednisone. Since my last update, a lot has happened. My last appointment with my GI was better then expected. I admit that it has been a slow process trusting my doctor and accepting his course of action but working with him over the past couple of weeks has made me realize what an awesome doctor he really is. He has been so supportive and willing to work with me and has spent so much time really explaining the steps to me as well as truly listening to my concerns and ideas. I consider myself lucky to have found him.

I was tasked with making a decision on my "forever" medication. He gave me four choices that I spent an entire weekend researching. After narrowing it down to 2, calling my insurance to determine coverage and co-pay, it simply came down to affordability. Convenience also played an important role, but bottom line was the cheapest monthly copay won out.

This medication is one that I will now have to take once a day for the rest of my life. It is the drug that will keep me in remission and able to live a life with normal digestion. I have come to accept that no matter how much I don't want to admit it, I have a disease that I cannot control without meds. My quality of life depends on it.

I had a stressful week last week after I made my decision, however. I had to go in for yet another blood test/genetic testing to determine if my body will be able to metabolize this new medication and provide a baseline before I start taking it. I will have to go in for occasional blood tests (not sure how often) to monitor the medication in my system.

I see my doctor next week and hopefully will be ready to start this new med so that we can start tapering off the prednisone. This new medication can take 2-3 months (of being in my system) before it starts working so we will begin tapering as soon as I start it so that we can hopefully time it where I am off the prednisone when the new med kicks in. Guess work, time, patience and hope.

My training:

Last Monday was my first day back in the gym. Strength training was really difficult last week. I was really able to feel how much strength I had lost in such a short amount of time (2 weeks without lifting).  It was all kinds of discouraging. It was tough on me mentally and I had a really hard time pushing through the emotional wall last week. A couple conversations with a couple of my trainer friends in the gym gave me hope and helped me push through as best as I could. I just tried to focus on the now and let go of the yesterday. I will be the first to admit it was a really hard thing to do.

Yesterday was the start of week two and I definitely felt much stronger yesterday. I had a pretty good lift session and today's workout was pretty good too. I can feel some things coming back and others struggling to get there. My mindset has been much more focused this week and I feel a little more hopeful.

It's been really tough digesting my muscle mass loss and strength but I know that I can get back to where I was if I just remember the dedication and self discipline that got me there in the first place. Time to dig deep, Jill.

There is a competition here in the Phoenix area on November 5th. A little less then 4 weeks away. I would love, love, love to do this show. I just don't know if my body will be ready by then. I know my my mind will follow whatever path my body decides to take. For now the plan is to push through this week, devise a new workout plan for next week and evaluate my body at the end of next week.

I decided tonight that what shall be, will be. Ideally I would do this show in November and take the rest of the year off from diet restrictions and heavy training and focus on maintaining where I am now so that come January 2nd I can start training hard for the show in the Spring (March/April).  I want to enjoy the holiday months sans guilt and training stress.

If my body says no, then I am ready to accept that. Ultimately, my body will be the boss on this one.

My emotional/mental health:

I'll be the first to admit that the last few weeks have been the biggest, longest roller coaster ride I have been on in a very long time. It's been chalk full of ups and downs, twists and turns, highs and lows; many I wasn't sure I could get through. But somehow, some way I did.

"History has demonstrated that the most notable winners usually encountered heartbreaking obstacles before they triumphed. They won because they refused to become discouraged by their defeats."

I've been really trying to concentrate on refocusing my thoughts and energy when I find myself thinking negatively or when I am feeling discouraged. My own self deprecation is my worst enemy. It can stop me dead in my tracks if I let it and I have decided I will not let it.

New mantra: I can. I have. I will again.

It also helps to have such amazing friends and family that believe in me. All of that positive encouragement lifts my spirits and helps me get through on those days that are tough.

Short term/long term goals:

The list is in progress, but firming up. Short term goals are taking precedent for now. Forward thinking only.

Tomorrow:


I continue to look ahead and push through the mental and emotional garbage. Only option.


"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning." - Albert Einstein

"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn." C.S. Lewis

Today is day 7 on my meds. And I feel good. I have let go of the things that I can no longer control and am holding tight to the things that I see in my future.

"Learning is not attained by chance, it must be sought for with ardor and attended to with diligence."
--Abigail Adams
I have always said that you learn something new every day. It is there for the taking you just have to slow down and digest it. This past week has taught me so much, not only about myself, but about those around me.

I have been humbled through this illness. My health and fitness are not all I that I am and they may be taken from me at any given time. I have learned not to take ANYTHING for granted. Cliche as it is, tomorrow is never promised. I have been reminded (because this one is always being taught to me) that I can't always do everything all the time and that that is okay. Perfection will never be attained in this lifetime so it's okay to let things go sometimes.

Those that are in my life that truly care have been supportive and loving. I have learned how much I am loved. I have been shown who will stand by me through the good and the bad. And all the encouraging words and support have truly uplifted me and given me strength.

I am always striving for more patience in my life and with last week's sudden attack I have been forced to practice it daily. It's been extremely tough mentally for me to not be active. I have not been to the gym or did any type of exercise for 12 days. That is the longest stretch of time of inactivity in the last 12 years! I guess one day for every year is what I'm due. :-) Tomorrow I will attempt yoga. I figure I can always sit in child pose the whole class if it gets to be too much. I just need a small mental boost to get me through the rest of the week.

Giving trust to my doctor has been a lesson as well. I know he is the educated one on this disease. And I know, rationally, that he has my best interest at heart. I also know that he wouldn't put me on a medication he didn't think I needed. Learning to trust him through this has been a step by step process. I am trying to be open to his course of action but at the same time hold on to a little bit of power in my care. He says he will work closely with me in monitoring my progression with the meds, particularly the prednisone, so that we can minimize the side effects. I am banking on this. But I also know that whatever is meant to be will be. I have a few things in my back pocket I can turn to once my course of steroids is done.

I never thought that this journey of figure training I embarked on would lead me to so many revelations and lessons. I am constantly learning how much I can deal with and how strong I really am physically,mentally and emotionally. I have yet to cross that elusive finish line, but when I do that victory will be that much sweeter. <3

Upside down, inside out

I was doing fine this morning until I got out of the shower. I just had this overwhelming sadness come over me. And then I cried. And I cried. And I cried. My strength has run out. The helpless feelings overcame me today.

I guess getting out of the shower, drying off and seeing my disfigured lower body was too much for me today. I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down and inside out. I keep trying to tell myself that I will be ok and that everything will return as it was but I can't help but have some doubt. I have such overwhelming feelings of defeat today.

I keep thinking about how much time, effort and hard work I have put into all this training. How dedicated and focused I have been. Now I need to convince myself that I have to have all that same determination in getting better and believing in myself once again that I can get back up on my feet. That I will have the same strength to get through this healing process so I can start over again. Starting over sounds like such a daunting task. From where will I start? How much is this recovery period going to cost me?

Whenever I face this kind of adversity I always tell myself that I will be ok. I always land on my feet. Just like my lions. But for some reason I won't believe myself. Maybe it's because I've never been knocked down this hard, this fast. It's got to be the one of lowest points in my life.

I know that my health is my number one priority right now. I cannot do anything else well if I don't have that. But losing so much control over my body this past week was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And now giving all the control to my doctor and trying to trust him that he will help me get well and not harm me in the process is a day by day process for me. Day by day. Step by step. One foot in front of the other.

"Defeat is not defeat unless accepted as a reality in your own mind." - Bruce Lee

After the storm, the sky clears

The colonoscopy showed something somewhat surprising today. The only area of inflammation and ulcers was at 0-20cm of the colon( very last part of the colon). What this means is that I have no inflammation in my small intestines or any other part of my colon. It is a possibility that I may have ulcerative colitis instead of crohn's. It's tomatoe tomato concerning most pain symptoms but that would be better for me in the long term.

He took biopsies while in there too, so we wait on those results and the biopsies of my upper GI yesterday. I see him back in his office in a week.

The bad news: I will be taking an inordinate amount of medication for the next 2 weeks. Two of those meds for two weeks and  the other 2 meds until the Dr. says to stop.  And yes, the prednisone is in that bunch. After being in so much pain yesterday, I had no choice. I couldn't function that way.

Crazy thing is......I was actually anticipating starting these medications. I am tired of feeling this way. I took the first dose of pills as soon as I got home. I was able to get all of my doses in except my last dose of prednisone. I am already feeling better.

The bad parts are still my right knee, left hand and right finger. My ankles are still swollen but they don't hurt .I have just about full range of motion in all my joints. My right knee is still holding on to some stiffness and pain w/ pressure. I'll be doubly happy when all of the swelling goes down completely. I see now why the nurse today said prednisone is like a miracle worker and why Dr.'s turn to it in severe cases of inflammation like I have.

The last time I worked out was last Thursday. It's been a week since I've done anything and I am eager to get back to my workouts. Probably not as intense as I was during training but enough to maintain my muscle mass and not loose what I worked so hard to gain. I won't push it though. I won't step into the gym until all of this swelling is gone. I hope that's soon. I'm going crazy without my workouts.

I spent some time grieving today. Grieving the fact that I had been somewhat defeated. Then I just accepted that if I really wanted the pain and suffering to stop, I had no choice but to take these pills. I was so tired of feeling sick. I had two choices today: to be whiny, woe-is-me and helpless or to push forward, be accepting and participate in the healing. I chose the latter.

I am putting trust in my new Dr. that he will monitor me closely enough so we can minimize any side effects of the steroid. It's hard to trust someone you don't know about something so important but at some point I have to let go. It's been hard to give up that control.

So tonight I am feeling hopeful again. Feeling the pain seep out of my body has been reassuring and exciting. Exciting because of how quickly my body is responding and because I am that much closer to feeling like "me" again. This has been so rough on me emotionally. To go from being someone who is as active as I am, to be struck down in your tracks, it's been emotionally debilitating.

Confession: at one point the pain was so bad yesterday I asked myself if I was dying.

I am ready for this chapter to begin because that means I am that much closer to the next.

Health Challenges and Obstacles

I finally got in to see my new GI doctor last Thursday. The visit didn't go as expected.

After going over my history with him and discussing my current symptoms he was very concerned with my health. He ordered a upper GI endoscopy and colonoscopy for the following week. He said we needed them ASAP. The severe amount of inflammation in my body plus not being on any medication (ever) means that I have basically had some sort of inflammation in my GI since I was diagnosed. He said all that inflammation is a precancerous atmosphere for my body. If it isn't put under control, I'll surely be setting myself up for colon cancer.

That scared me.

So we discussed treatment options and medication choices. He was of course pretty insistent on me taking the one drug I did not want to take: prednisone. I broke down in tears right then and there. My problem with the drug lies mostly in it's many horrid side effects but also that I would just prefer not to put steroids in my body. Unfortunately, prednisone is a tried and true quick inflammation reducer so there really isn't many other options.

After we discussed it at length he promised me he would monitor me very closely so that he could minimize the side effects. Of course, I was still hesitant and told him let's wait and see what we find. He also started me on an antibiotic that only stays in the gut to kill any bacteria/infection I may have been harboring from the food poisoning in July that set this flare off. I took the first dose on Friday.

Friday afternoon at work, my right knee was hurting me a little bit. I never have knee pain so it took me by surprise. On Saturday, my knee was red and I could feel a bump like maybe it was an ingrown hair or something. I dismissed it and moved on.

When I woke up Sunday not only did my knee hurt even more, but my left foot and ankle and my right hip were hurting. And my left hand was red and swollen too. I knew something was wrong. After talking with my mom and trying to figure out what the heck was going on she mentioned a possible allergic reaction to the meds I started. I pulled out the insert and starting reading. Sure enough there was a section about hypersensitivity and one of the side effects/symptoms was angioneurotic edema, which is basically swelling in the extremities. I didn't take the night dose on Sunday and stopped taking it all together.

When I woke up Monday, I was in a lot of pain. It was really tough for me to even get out of bed. At this point both knees hurt(although the right was still the worse), both ankles, my left hand, and right hip all hurt. And a previous injury to one of my fingers on my right hand that hadn't totally healed was know severely swollen and deformed. I had to call in sick to work because I not only could I not use my left hand but I even had a hard time just walking.

Yesterday morning was the worse. When I tried to get out of bed I felt pain in every part of my body. My joints were red, swollen, painful and stiff. I could barely move. I felt like I was 90 years old. I sat at the end of my bed and cried. What was happening to me?

I was nauseous and weak, at times dizzy. I got in the shower and at one point felt like I was going to pass out. This was not good. Fortunately, I had called my primary doctor the day before and had an appt scheduled for that morning at 8. I had to call my mom to come over and help me the kids to school and me to my appt because there was no way I could drive. I also had my endoscopy scheduled for that day. I had to check in at 11:30a.m.

After 2 hours in my doctor's office, she sided with me on the notion that it was probably some type of hypersensitivity I was having from the antibiotic. But she was really concerned with the amount of redness and swelling in my knee. Luckily I had gone to the lab the day before and had blood drawn so she was able to use those results as a reference. I gave her a urine sample and waited. After she discussed it with the doctor above her and going over my lab results, they feared that I was becoming sceptic and that even though there wasn't an infection yet, I was on my way there very quickly. She said I may have go to a orthopedist to get my knee tapped. Cheese and rice.

She told me I probably would have to cancel my procedures because we didn't want to risk a perforation in my stomach with the possibility of an infection brewing. That would be all bad for me. I asked her to consult with my doctor and see what he said. He was confident that all that joint swelling was a direct result of my IBD; a classic sign. I had already known that that could be a possibility as well, but I felt like the antibiotic did contribute to the sudden severity of my joint issues. We would proceed with the procedure as planned.

When I was finally wheeled back into the procedure room, I had my doctor take a quick look at my knee. He stuck to his previous assertion that this was a classic sign/symptom of IBD. I told him I was willing to try the prednisone for a short amount of time, like a couple weeks and he shot me down once again. There could be no time restraints put on my course of treatment. I cried again.

I am just feeling so defeated by the horrible disease. I feel helpless. And it makes me sad.

I had been running a low grade fever for days so I went home and took some Tylenol. To my surprise, within about an hour of taking those 2 pills, I had almost complete range of motion back in my legs. There were still swollen, red patches but they didn't hurt as bad. I don't know if it was truly the Tylenol that did it, or maybe the anesthesia I had earlier that day contributed. I was just overwhelmed and grateful to be able to move without such pain.

The results of my endoscopy only showed a moderate amount of gastritis (swelling in the stomach lining). Everything else was normal. My colonscopy is scheduled in about 4 hours. I haven't eaten anything solid since Monday night. I wasn't hungry yesterday but today after the last of my prep, I am starving. I could go for a good bowl of soup when I get home.

Knowing now how quickly this can progress I feel like I have no choice but to give this crap prednisone a try. I am just putting faith in my body that it responds quickly and I won't have to be on it very long. I am also going to make some herbal teas that are natural diuretics that will help with the water retention I may have.

I will probably start my first dose this afternoon. I am holding onto hope that this will be short dose of meds. Hope is pretty much all I have.

* I hadn't realized I already wrote about the GI visit. Sorry for the repeat of information.*

Heartbreak, frustration and defeat

I am feeling the gamut of emotions tonight.

About 9:00p.m. tonight, I received an email from the promoter of the Las Vegas show I was planning on competing in on October 1st. The show has been cancelled due to low registration. Knife straight to my heart. Frustration to the Nth degree.

I am beyond disappointed, especially when I have been feeling so good about my body and where I am right now with my leanness and muscularity. I didn't feel that way 5 weeks ago when I was supposed to do the other show. I was actually finally getting excited about competing and showing my stuff out on that stage. No more nerves. No more anxiety. Just a serious natural high from knowing that I would soon be hitting that stage and competing with other like-minded women and athletes.

The rational part of my mind knows it isn't the end of the world, but I cannot help but feel defeated. I have been working SO hard for the past 6 months, pushing my body and mind to the limit; practicing such discipline and dedication. Taking myself places within that I never thought I could.

The training for this competition for me has always been about how far I could push myself both mentally and physically as well as emotionally. I have definitely learned a lot about myself and discovered I really am stronger then I thought I was. Add to this the fact that I have been dealing with this horrible crohn's flare for over 2 months making it that much harder.

Double knife to the heart:

 I went to my new GI doctor today and the outcome was not so good. He wants both an endoscopy and colonoscopy ASAP. They are scheduled for next Tuesday and Wednesday. I am not fearful of these procedures, as this will be my 3rd colonoscopy. Rather I am fearful of what he may find and the resulting medications I will most likely be forced to take.

For the entirety of this disease I have been able to stay off of medications. A few dietary adjustments and regular exercise have helped. Granted, my disease has been atypical in that I have been in "remission" for most of it aside from the other 2 "flares" I had (2003,2007).  Most people deal with symptoms every day and never have periods of remission.

The one drug that I have been adamant about NOT taking is prednisone. My doctor told me that I will need to start that ASAP. I cried right there in his office. Besides not wanting to put a steroid into my body, I am very fearful and concerned with its side effects. He says I will only have to take it for as long as it takes, meaning it depends on how quickly or slowly my body responds to the drug.

I am feeling so defeated in so many ways. First I get the blow that I need these procedures and will need to take a steroid. Then I get the next jab that the show is cancelled. The ONE thing I have been looking forward to and focusing on for months on end, especially the last few weeks.

I know there are people dealing with much more worse things, but this just brings me so much sadness and grief. It's like training for a marathon for months and then being told you can't run. Or planning an awesome vacation that has to be cancelled. Let down. Defeated. Helpless.

I know I said I would not let this disease defeat me, but I feel helpless at this very moment in time. I know that I will eventually get through this ( I always do) but I need some time to grieve.

I will be forever grateful for all the amazing support my friends and family have given me and hang my hope on the next show here in Arizona in the Spring. I am holding out hope and asking the universe for help in aligning all that is good so that I can be healthy and body abled to compete in March.

In the meantime, I will take the next few days to process and grieve and then get back in the saddle and game plan for the next 4-6 months. I may be wounded and I may be feeling weak, but I will not allow this to kill my soul and spirit. I won't. I just can't.

Hopefully before the weekend is over I will finally get around to taking some new pictures and measurements and posting them here. The very least I can do is show you all how I've progressed and where I am now. Besides....I feel pretty amazing about my body these days. ;-)

27 days and tidbits

October 1st is fast approaching and I now have 27 days until my competition.

 I am excited and feeling at ease which makes me confirm the choice to push my debut out a several weeks. A few weeks ago, I was feeling miserable (physically), not confident and big. I know, I know how can I even dare to say I felt big when I clearly am now tiny. But doing one of these shows requires a tremendous amount of body confidence, an ability to feel sexy and portray it and an overall feeling of loving one's body. I just didn't feel that a few weeks ago and a lot of it had to do with the flare of my disease as well as a shortage of time to practice my posing.

Three weeks have passed and what a difference it has made! After starting the new carb cycling and omitting most processed foods, all dairy and as much sugar as possible, I can totally feel my body healing and changing again. My symptoms are not gone completely but they are clearing up and becoming less severe. I have also lost 5 lbs in that 3 week span just by making those changes.

I am down to 136 lbs and was 13.8% body fat about a week and a half ago. I am excited to take another reading in about 2 more weeks. I have yet to take some new measurements but I plan to get that in this week. I am curious to see how much those have changed as it has been over a month since I last took them.

I met with my coach again this past Wednesday and we tweaked my diet slightly and changed my workouts up somewhat as well. I am now targeting specific areas that I need to improve on, like my deltoids and lats; really just making my lift sessions more are specific to sculpt them even more. I am back to do some lunge walking but it's only once a week this time around.

One other thing that I am trying to do is get to bed earlier. I am a night owl by nature and most nights don't climb into bed until between 12:30 and 1:00 a.m. Clearly not enough time to allow my body to recover, heal and rest. I have been doing pretty good since I started this Wednesday and have gotten to bed between 11:00 and 11:30 every night. Last night was a hard night though. I climbed into bed an 11:30 but tossed and turned with lots of "noise" in my head for a very long time. I can't tell you how long exactly because I made it a point not to look at my clock but I know it was at least 30-45 minutes if not more. I am accepting this will be process but from what I have done so far, I can definitely feel the impact to my energy levels throughout the day, specifically my "sleepy time" between 3-5 pm.

There has been a some things going on with my body physically that up until today, worried and perplexed me. I decided to do some research on my own (thank you Google!) and was able to pinpoint some of the why's of these symptoms.

I usually have pretty clear skin but last Sunday or Monday broke out in acne not only on my face but all over different parts of my body. I was at first frustrated, then concerned when new spots appeared almost on a daily basis. My arms, legs, back, chest, neck, face......everywhere.

After cross searching the acne with my crohn's, I was able to determine some answers. Although acne has not been proven to be a symptom of crohn's disease, losing a large amount of weight has. When your body begins to shed weight you inevitably lose body fat. Our bodies need a certain amount of body fat to function. Without it, we could not survive. One function of body fat, besides insulating and cushioning our organs is to "soak up" toxins in our systems. These toxins tend to remain in this body fat for very long periods of time. When a person begins to get below a certain percentage of body fat, the fat begins to release these toxins out into the blood stream. The lymph system is only able to handle some of this waste and because of this it begins to exit your system through the next best option: our skin.

This low body fat percentage that I have coupled with the fact that I have stopped menstruating and haven't had a period in two months (over abundance of hormones) is the cause of all this face/body acne. I am still frustrated with it but at least now I have answers and am not concerned that I was developing a case of leprosy. :-o

I went out today and purchased an inordinate amount of skin products (containing salicylic acid and benzoyl peroxide) to help combat the crap that is coming through my pores. I am keeping my fingers crossed that some of these products will help with this outbreak. I am also trying to increase my water to a gallon and a half a day to help flush the crap out.

I am assuming that my body fat is probably between 12-13% now. I am shooting to lose another 5-7 lbs, which probably sounds insane and impossible to many of you but I now know that it is totally doable. My coach thinks that I will be between 129-131 lbs come competition time, so that is what I a aiming to achieve.

 I am not on a starvation diet either. I am eating plenty just choosing very wisely. I will most likely come back up to the high 130's or low 140's after the show is over. The plan is to relax the diet after the show up until Jan. 2nd. Then it will be time to start carb cycling again and making adjustments to start training for the Spring show in March. I now know what it takes to drop weight and lose body fat and about how long it should take me, which should make the next round of training a lot easier.

On another note, I was hit with a crohn's related symptom yesterday afternoon. It took me off guard and hit me like a Mac truck. A common complaint is joint pain and arthritis, which is directly related to inflammation that is already going on in my digestive system. I was out running errands yesterday when all of a sudden I felt weak, feverish and was in severe joint pain. It hurt to walk. I had to come home and lay down for about 2 hours before I could function normally again.

I will NOT let this disease take over my life. I will fight and make as many changes to my diet and lifestyle that I need to in order to live as "normally" as possible. I am becoming somewhat impatient with this current flare, as the other 2 flares I had lasted between 4-6 months. It's been 2 months and I am tired. I am trying to remain hopeful. I am trying to use the improvements I see and feel as motivation to keep pushing forward. If you have never had to deal with a recurring digestive problem, you more then likely have no idea how I am feeling. It puts you in such a topsy turvy of emotions.

Tomorrow starts a new lift routine and I am excited as usual. I am so proud and astounded and how I have been able to not only change my body, but push myself mentally and emotionally. I have come a long way and don't plan on looking back. ;-)

P.S. I will be taking some new measurements and photos tomorrow and posting a picture timeline form April to now. I am ready to put myself out there and share my progress through pictures with you all. You'll be amazed. :-)

Clean eating to heal from the inside out

My new eating plan is basically a carb cycling plan. I have 2 days of moderate carbs followed by 4 days of low carbs and 1 day of HIGH carbs. I am not so concerned with my protein intake right now but by trying to get 70% of my carbs from vegetables. Green vegetables. My allowed fat intake is also somewhat higher then I'm used to but I am finding that on my low carb days, that's what I crave. The body wants what it is losing!

Admission: Meal planning, food preparation and "counting" consumes me.

Although it is very time consuming and somewhat tedious, I don't actually mind it most of the time. I am committed to being as clean as possible not only for my competition training but also for my overall health.

Not many of you know this, but I have an irritable bowel disease. These diseases are not talked about in the open very often for the simple fact that the symptoms are not an easy or pleasant thing to talk about. They are ugly, painful, and intimate. For that reason, I will not even attempt to go into what happens to my body when I am in a flare. It isn't pretty. Or fun.

I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease in early 2003, shortly after Niyanna was born. I started having some serious unexplainable symptoms a month or two after she was born that just got progressively worse as the time went on. After 3 doctors and lots of prodding plus a colonoscopy, I finally had a diagnosis. The diagnosis only gave me an answer but not necessarily clarity.

I don't often complain of my in-between-flare symptoms because compared to other people w/ this disease I have it easy. I've only had 3 flares since my diagnosis 8 years ago and for that I am extremely grateful. Unfortunately, I am in the middle of a flare now that began shortly after I got food poisoning the first week of July. The thing about a flare is, there is no telling how long it will stick around. The last 2 I had each lasted about 6 months before my body healed itself. This time, I have decided to take things into my own hands.

Yes, there are some medications that I can take, the main one being a steroid that I refuse to put into my body. There are also anti-inflammatory drugs I can try but the one I did try gave me migraine headaches w/in 2 days of taking it, had no generic which made it $50 for a month's worth, and needed to basically be taken everyday forever to work. (Well, maybe not forever but it only works if you have it in your system constantly.)

I have mostly been able to keep my flares at bay by eliminating and restricting certain foods from my diet. After doing some more research, I discovered that there were many more things I needed to change in order to help my body heal itself from the inside out.

Since I was going to be somewhat restricted with this new eating plan, I decided to implement a few other guidelines. I am trying to eat as many anti-inflammatory foods as possible, eliminate as much processed food as possible, eliminate dairy and weed out sugar. It's been a challenge at times and by no means am I perfect yet but today I was thinking that just like my process of changing my eating and fitness habits 13 years ago, this new lifestyle change will also take some time to perfect.

The anti-inflammatory things I am eating are broccoli, asparagus, spinach, blueberries(any berry, actually), green tea, ginger, salmon, Asian mushrooms, sweet potato, olive oil, flax seed. There are a few more that I will try to also incorporate over time like pineapple, papaya, and cauliflower (of which I am not super fond).

Sugar, as I am learning is not only very inflammation promoting, but also like heroin to your body: the more you eat, the more your body craves. Although I have eliminated table sugar and even stevia from my diet, it is difficult to remove it completely because like dairy, it is in almost everything! I am trying to stick to the natural sugar content of fruits, sweet potatoes and nut butters. I have also been trying to  use agave nectar to sweeten my food, although I haven't actually used much of it.

I am a self professed sweet junkie but surprisingly the one thing that I am actually having a hard time with is giving up my yogurt. :-( I gave up cow's milk a long time ago and have been gradually restricting my cheese intake so that now I actually don't miss my cheese. I thought that hell would have to freeze over in order for me to give up cheese. I miss it sometimes, but not as much as I thought I would.

After eating clean for a week, I can see my body responding to this new diet. That gives me motivation to keep it clean for as long as I can. I would like to make this a complete lifestyle eating change but not w/ complete rigidity. I would still like to enjoy some things once in awhile. ;-) The key to this being eating clean most days but allowing myself treats on occasion.

After all, life IS too short to not enjoy your food.

New workouts have me pumped!

I started my new workouts last week and am loving them! I was so ready for a change and this new 3 week program is just what I like: intense, challenging and fullfilling. Tomorrow begins week 2 and I can hardly wait. (Yes, I am weird - that's already been established- for enjoying strength training as much as I do.)

I am lifting 4 days a week now, not anymore then the 4 day splits I was doing before. The caveat is the combination of exercises, the set/rep factor and the intensity. I have been really trying to concentrate on good form and complete range of motion in order to get after my symmetry problems.

Here is what my new workouts look like:
Monday/Tuesday: 9 exercises - 5 sets - 15 reps - 30 second rest between sets
Wednesday: yoga - cardio only
Thursday: 9 exercises - 3 sets - 10-12 reps - 45 second rest
Friday: OFF
Saturday: 8 exercises - HEAVY - 3 sets - 4-6 reps - 60 second rest
Sunday: yoga-cardio only

I do yoga M & W and Sat/Sun if I can make it. Then 30-45 min cardio M/T/W/TH/SAT.

The other issue I have been concentrating on is really engaging my lats during any back/lat exercise. It's been helping me with my posing and getting the mind/body connection for my lat flare. I am excited to see how this new plan in combination with my new eating plan is going to change my body.

I already feel my body changing again which gives me more motivation to hit it hard and stay on track. Well, that and the 2 new pairs of kicks I picked up a few weeks ago. ;-)

Compete to win!

I had a sit down with my coach today in which we discussed my workout plan and diet parameters for the next 3 weeks as well as how I was feeling about my progress and how my body felt and looked. During our hour long meeting I had a epiphany:
Since when I have I ever competed just to compete?! I ONLY compete to win. Period.

Trusting the process is often times one of the hardest things a person may have to do. Facing a truth is another. Accepting reality.....well, that right there is a whole 'nother something to swallow. A set back does not have to equal a defeat. How a person decides to digest these truths and whether or not they decide to take that blind leap of faith into that process whole heartily, is the deciding factor in whether or not they will persevere.

I have pushed through adversity. I have excelled at new things. I have perfected others on the first attempt. I have stayed strong physically, emotionally and mentally. I have faced fears. I have overcome obstacles. I have trusted my intuition. Why should I stop fighting now?

I am not just trying to survive this journey; I am trying to excel.  I am striving to be as close to perfection as possible. I really want to WIN! I will not settle for second best or a half ass attempt. I want to be the best that I know I can be by putting in the most effort, dedication and time I can.

The past month has been tough. So much going on in life compounded with the fact that I haven't had access to as much help as I have needed or wanted. No one's fault, really. Just how the cards have fallen over the past 30 days.

I refuse to lose this competition because I wasn't ready - physically, mentally or emotionally. I will only accept a loss if I know I have given 110%. If I can look in the mirror and truthfully tell myself that I tried my hardest, then I can accept a loss with grace. That is the only way I will be able to move on and try even harder for the next competition.

I know I have a lot of people in my corner cheering me on, pushing me to not give up, excited for my progress and really believing in me and not only what they know I can do but what I have already accomplished. It's hard to express how much I appreciate these gems in my life. Knowing I have so many people that care about me is priceless, however, this support translates to pressure.

I already put so much pressure and stress on myself to be the best, to be perfect. You have to understand that no one person is creating extra pressure on me it's just that for me it means I have that many more people I don't want to let down.

With all that being said, I have decided to postpone my debut in my first figure competition. I am just not ready. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally.

I had hoped to be ready in enough time to get 2 shows under my belt before this particular federation's competitions moved out of geographical range for me to attend. It's just not in the cards. So, I will give myself another 7 weeks to prepare for the next one in range.

October 1st. OCB Sin City Natural in Las Vegas.

After that, I will have until March 2012 to prepare for the next OCB here in the Phoenix area. By then, I plan to have perfected my  training, dieting and posing.

A new day. A new resolve. Same goal. The best outcome.

I only play to win.

Passion, Perfection, Dedication, Discipline and Persistance

It seems like every day is a new challenge for me. Staying focused and disciplined is getting more difficult with every passing day. I never question  my dedication or my passion but my persistence lags when I am feeling defeated. And perfectionism gets in the way of everything!

The last few weeks have been really draining emotionally and mentally for me. I am trying to stay focused, positive and confident but it's been an every day struggle. Those of you who talk to me regularly know this; you're all probably pretty tired of hearing me say "I don't think I can do this!" but it's seriously always at the front of my mind.

The training I have been doing over the past 4+ months started off with such ease. I sprinted out of the gates at full speed and was able to stay so focused. I trained hard, I remained dedicated and I didn't let my thoughts get in the way. Training was intense and I could see and feel the results. Being able to see my body change (mostly through pictures, but also with the measurements) was such a confidence boost! At this point in my training, I can still feel my body changing but it's much slower and clearly not fast enough for my mind. Patience is NOT one of my forte's.

I am now entering my 5th  month and am feeling frustrated, defeated, and unsure. Questioning my readiness is a daily occurrence at this point in the game. I feel like I am running out of time and there is still SO much to be done! I don't feel like I "look" ready. Through my eyes, I don't look as close enough to the other girls as I should.

This is were the frustration comes into play. I feel like my spirit, body and mind are ready to do whatever it takes to get to where I need to be, but not having the support and proper guidance through all of this is finally taking a toll on me mentally. This journey has been one that I embarked on alone and I continue to sail the sea in a one woman boat. I know I could have hired someone to help me but the money investment aside, I really wanted to see what I could do on my own. It is becoming abundantly clear with every passing week that in order for me to get to the level I want to eventually attain, I must call in some reinforcements.

Being a perfectionist seems to be getting in the way as well. I keep telling myself that most women who do these shows give themselves at least 8 months to get their bodies competition ready. I've only been at it hardcore for 4. I have been overly concerned with how I will match up with the other competitor's. I have this horrible feeling of embarrassment coming over me. I keep thinking I am gonna look like such a rookie on that stage. I want to be perfect. I want my body to speak for itself and "show" the way I think it should. I am so afraid of being laughed at and looked at with an over critical eye.

Truth is, it's gonna happen regardless of whether I am "perfect" or not. After all, that's what the judges are there to do. And every girl backstage is going to be looking at their competition with a critical eye as well. I just hate not being able to perfect everything I attempt on the first try.

I know I need to just push through my mind's bullshit, stop whining and get to work. I don't want to fail. I don't want to disappoint myself or all of my friends and family that are cheering me on. I need to learn to accept where I am at this point in time so that I can continue to move forward on this journey.

I will NOT be a quitter. My dad would say, "NO stinkin thinkin!" and encourage me to follow through and push forward. For my dad, I do anything. So, today I am making a promise to myself to push as hard as I possibly can mentally, emotionally, physically over the next 20 days. I CAN do this.....you just watch and see. ;-)

Short term goals: OCB Arizona Natural 8/27/2011; OCB Sin City Natural 10/1/2011
Long term goal: Training in the "off season" (Oct-Feb/March) and getting ready for the shows in the spring; hiring someone to help me with my splits and nutrition; accepting what my body is able to do.

And so I leave you with some awesome words of wisdom from one of my dearest friends. I need to post this up on my mirror and read it every day.

"Our biggest critic in life for people like us is ourselves. With that being said understand that this characteristic allows us to go above and beyond what the average person may ever be able to achieve. You have shown amazing will power through major adversity so there needs to be no doubt. You will succeed you will be great and you will be proud of yourself in more ways than one. You are excelling in something that you are passionate about and how many people will ever be able to say that. I guess what I'm trying to say is KEEP TRAINING HIT THAT SHOW AND KICK SOME ASS!"

Suit fabric and bling pattern

For some of you, this figure competition/show I am training for is a completely new thing to you. You may have known a little, a lot or absolutely nothing about them before stumbling upon my wild ride.

I've already given you the basics of what the competition is about so now that I have my suit fabric and "bling" pattern picked out I am ready to show you what a figure suit looks like. Or at least what MY figure suit will look like.

Here is a picture of the fabric I have chosen:

Blue, and any shade of it, is my favorite color. I knew I had to have something that was bright and would like awesome with my skin tone. As soon as she showed me this option I was sold. Check out the cool dot pattern on it. It's kind of snake skin like.

These suits are all custom made and likewise the crystals or "bling" as we affectionately refer is also custom hand applied. I scoured the internet looking at dozens and dozens of bling patterns and finally narrowed it down to two that I am considering.

I will be meeting with the girl that applies the crystals sometime this week so we can talk specifics on what I want to keep or change from the pattern I chose as well as the color of the crystals.

Here is a picture of the patterns I chose:

The first pattern is very simple and will allow the fabric detail to really show through. It will also be less expensive. The second patter is much more elaborate and will take twice the amount of time to finish. Also means twice the price.

Give me some input and let me know what you think. And remember, I can make adjustments and changes to both of us in any way I want. These are just a basis on which to create.

As you can see, the first one only uses clear stones. In the second I would use clear and a shade of blue, probably a lighter shade then the royal of the suit. Or I could leave that detail out completely and only do the clear.

14.5% (and other numbers ;-)

I am SUPER stoked! And I think this just helped push me through at least another 2 weeks.

I had my body fat tested today (using the standard calipers). I had a new trainer do it because I felt like the other guy wasn't really getting a correct read. They say you should stick with the same person throughout because everyone has their own way of using the calipers but I decided to buck that and do it my way. ;-)

Officially: 14.5 % Woo to the fucking HOO!

I also decided it was time to take some body measurements since the last time I did that was in early May. I started the "leaning out" journey on April 11th. Here are the measurements I've taken since then(in inches and lbs.).

                       4/16/2011                           5/12/2011                             7/26/2011
Weight:          150.2                                       144.6                                   141.6
Waist:             31.5                                           30                                        29
Hips:               37.5                                           35.5                                     35
Thigh:             22                                              21.13                                   20.5
Calf:               15.25                                          14                                        14
Upper Arm:    10.75                                          10.13                                   9.5
Body Fat %:     21%                                           16%                                   14.5%

The numbers don't lie.

It is still an everyday struggle for me, to keep my head in the game; to stay focused; to have faith. And most of all to believe in myself. When you are going through a body transformation, be it losing 10lbs or 100lbs or dropping body fat as I am, you don't always SEE what is happening right before your eyes. I went through this enigma before when I was in the process of losing 35+lbs.

The reflection that stares back at you looks no different to you then it did yesterday or 6 months ago. The changes are subtle and constant. It's like watching paint dry. Or a snail crawl. (Actually snails slide, but you get the point.) If you blink, you'll miss it.

I hear people I know say how "small" I am or how good I look. Or I get the comment that I am disappearing and I better not lose any more weight. But I don't see it. All I see are the things I need to improve.

Taking these measurements are an important part of the process for me because it allows me to have concrete evidence that my hard work is indeed paying off. So, with these new numbers I forge ahead another few weeks. This should give me the push I so desperately needed.

Learning self forgiveness is a long and winding road

I ate a piece of cake. There. I said it out loud. Hrmpf.

At first, I was definitely feeling defeated. And angry. At myself. Self discipline is a learning curve. And so is self forgiveness. It is a one step forward, two steps back kinda journey. I learned that when I embarked on the weight loss train nearly 5 years ago.

Learning to forgive myself for the missteps has been difficult, to say the least. It's so hard not to beat myself up when I do something that I know is clearly counter intuitive to my progress. I've been trying to consciously stop and ask myself, "Will this choice get me to my end goal?", but there are still times when I shout a resounding NO and yet I still knowingly make the wrong choice.

I've begun to realize more and more lately, how most of those "wrong" choices are linked to food. Yes. Food is my obsession and I am the first person to admit it. I've never shyed away from the well known fact that I love food and I simply love to eat. I enjoy stopping to taste my food. I enjoy trying new things. I love eating foods that make me happy or bring back fond memories.

There is so much emotion tied into food and eating. We eat to celebrate holidays. We eat to celebrate birthdays. We eat to celebrate accomplishments. Happiness and contentment are all wrapped up into eating. So why wouldn't someone love to eat?!

Moderation. Moderation. Moderation. You hear it all the time. I've read that when embarking on such a restrictive diet as the one that I am on, 90% compliance is an acceptable goal. Meaning, you should strive for adhering  90% of the time, and the other 10% is wiggle room for "off limits" food.

Sometimes my 90% is 75%. :-( But you know what? I will not beat myself up about it. I will move the F on. That is simply the only choice I have if I want to stay sane. Well, you know, in my sense of the word sane,anyways. ;-)  I've learned from the past, that if I berate myself I'll make more bad choices. So I must consciously decide to let the emotions run their course: anger, sadness, disappointment, frustration. Then pick myself up and do better when the next choice comes along.

I will not lie. It's not always that easy. I have moments of weakness just like the next person. It's learning to fight through it all that is the battle. So I will put on my boxing gloves and duke it out with my conscious, cause that's really what I am fighting.

And maybe, just maybe my continued journey with it's accomplishments and defeats will continue to encourage and inspire.

Success is a journey, not a destination

For some of you, this journey of mine may seem like it has just began. In reality, this journey began quite some time ago. The meat and potatoes of it all, I suppose, began this past April.

Exercise and athletics have been a part of my life since I was a child. I began playing organized, competitive softball when I was 9 and continued with that sport until I finished high school at 17. I started playing volleyball when I was about 10 or 11, getting involved with the competitive side when I entered Jr. High school at 12 and 13. High school, is where my love and passion allowed me to really grow and learn as a player.

In college, life was crazy hectic so exercise and organized sports became a thing of the past. About half way through my second year I began playing co-rec volleyball at school, running at the beach and rollerblading. My nutrition goals at that time were pretty nonexistent like any other 20 year old.
After I graduated college, I started taking my body more seriously and committed to a gym nearby. I started out slowly, setting a goal of 2-3 times a week for the first month or so. Then I upped the ante to 3-4 days a week. After a 2-3 months of settling into a schedule, exercise became a part of my daily life. It was 4-6 days a week from then on out and I've stuck to that consistency for the past 13 years! Even through my pregnancies, I stuck with my workouts at least 4-5 days a week.
My passion for fitness began as a way to "get back into shape" but quickly became a (healthy) obsession. About 4 or 5 months after I started exercising consistently, my Dad had his first major heart attack that resulted in a triple bypass heart surgery. That was enough to solidify my commitment to getting and staying healthy. I cut out soda, limited my fast food (cause let's face it I was still in my early 20's) and upped my water intake.

With the genetics that I was given, I knew that keeping my heart and body healthy through regular exercise and a better diet was the one factor that I could have some control over. So for those of you who may have never been able to understand my religious ways when it comes to exercise and fitness, there you have it.

I was able to maintain my weight at about 145-150 for about 4 or 5 years. Then I moved to AZ and put on about 15 lbs. Marriage, two pregnancies and my father's death took a toll on me and my body. When my youngest daughter was almost 1 years old,  I found myself at 185lbs  (the heaviest I had ever been in my life) and busting out of my size 14 clothes.  A combination of stress, grief, eating out and 2 pregnancies put me on a fast track to keep gaining weight.

I woke up one morning, tired of being overweight and not wanting to have to spend money to buy a new wardrobe in a larger size, determined to do something about it. After all, I had most of the skills and knowledge to lose I just had to commit myself to the process wholeheartedly. And thus began the next chapter in my fitness and weight loss.

Over the next 5 1/2 months, through a food journal, a controlled calorie diet, higher intensity cardio (I picked up running) and some changes to my strength training, I was able to lose nearly 40 lbs and 3 dress sizes! I went from a too tight 14 to a very slim 8. 185 lbs to 142 at my lowest. After about a year and a half I settled right around 145lbs and have pretty much been able to maintain that weight for the past 5+ years.

The next chapter of my journey was a hard one. Some of you know parts of the chapter but I don't think anyone knows the whole story. So here goes......

I have always had body image issues since as far back as I can remember. At ten or eleven years old I was well aware of the shape of my body and how it was different from the other girls my age. I developed quickly and at a young age. I basically had the body of a women at the age of 11/12. That was a tough thing to deal with at that age. I also was a self proclaimed "chubby" kid. Not "fat" but not exactly lean either.

After I lost all that weight in 2006, I still struggled somewhat with the image I saw in the mirror. (With age, the self critical eye becomes more stern.)  Women have it tough in society, with the media putting such emphasis on bodies. Magazines, movies, TV, sports, all so fixated on how big (or small) someone looks. I had a hard time accepting my body for what it was and took so much emphasis off of what I had already accomplished.

I began to obsess about one particular part of my body that I could never really sculpt the way I wanted. No matter what I did in the gym or how many calories I counted, I could never get the tummy I yearned for. Being pregnant twice really did a number on the elasticity and tone of my abdomen. Stretch marks for miles. Loose, flabby skin that I could not tame no matter what I did.

For about 3 years or so I contemplated cosmetic surgery, a tummy tuck to be exact. I scoured the internet for information, researched the procedure, pulled up before and after pictures and wondered if I could really commit to having it done. After all, it would give me a fresh starting point to get the abdomen I really wanted. It would do for me what I couldn't do on my own.

I spent many hours contemplating the procedure, wondering if I could live with the enormous scar and new belly button. Could I struggle through the pain and survive the recovery? And what sense did it make for me to elect to get cut from hip to hip when I worked so hard to have my children naturally? Was it worth it in the end? Would I have the peace of mind that I so desperately wanted and believed I deserved?

I knew I would and I knew I did.

So, after getting a referral to a surgeon I went in for a consultation, with no expectations only hoping to get an opinion on if I was a candidate and talk numbers ($$). After the consulate with the doctor, we talked numbers. Ouch! The next question was, "Could I live with the bill?!"


I knew I could.

For some of you this may come as a shocker and surprise, others of you already know what I had decided. In June of 2010, a few weeks shy of my 35th birthday I had the tummy tuck done. It has been the best thing I have done for myself. Ever. Happy birthday to me. :-)
Now, don't be fooled. Just because I had the procedure done, doesn't mean I had instant flat belly. No, no, no. I had to work very, very hard for about 8 or 9 months afterwards to make my body and core strong.  Diligence. Dedication. Commitment. Self-discipline.

When I went into this procedure, my final goal was to get my body in the kinda shape that would allow me to do a Figure competition. I had always felt that my abdomen issues were blocking my path to success. The surgery also corrected some damage I had incurred in my rectus muscles from being pregnant, which allowed me to really work my core and abs in a such a way that I could actually gain some muscle definition and strength.
In April, I had a light bulb moment. I decided that if I really put my mind to it, it was possible to get my body figure competition ready. I just had to work hard, commit and believe in myself and the process.

I reworked my strength training plan, changing my routine every 3 weeks. I upped my cardio to high intensity interval training. I committed to a "core" class twice a week. And I set up nutrition goals that would allow me to cut body fat, food journaling to keep myself on track and be accountable.  

I lost 5% body fat in about 33 days and about 7 inches total from my waist, hips, thighs, calves and arms. Total weight loss of about 8 lbs. I was a size 8 and now I am a size 4.
I have never been this small in my life.

I am proud of where I started, how far I have come, the level of commitment I have been able to maintain and my tenacity. In order to get to my ultimate goal of being competition ready, I have a long road to go yet.

I have some things yet to overcome and work through but I am trying to take it all one day at a time. After all, Rome wasn't built in a day. ;-)

Posing Practice......ouch!

"What the hell is posing practice?!" is what I am sure some of you are thinking. I know, it sounds.....interesting. Some of you may even be wondering what this "Figure" competition I am in is really about. I suppose I have some holes to fill. :-)

A Figure competition is a class of physique-exhibition events for women that, although they bare a close resemblance to bodybuilding contests, they emphasize muscle tone over muscle size. In a Figure competition, women are judged based on muscular symmetry and tone. We are required to wear clear, high heeled shoes (high heels make the leg muscles contract and stand out) and a two-piece, barely there swimsuit. We are required to complete a series of quarter turns on stage and are compared from all sides on symmetry, presentation and other aesthetic qualities like skin tone, hair, and make-up. They also judge critically on conditioning, leanness, and how "athletic" or "feminine" the muscularity is. That all happens in the morning show. In the evening show, they judge on presentation, gracefulness, confidence, poise and professionalism.  It is essence, partly a pageant. *snort*

What have I got myself into?!

So, now you have some background on what I am really training for and what aspects I am trying to perfect.

Saturday was my first practice session with the group on posing requirements. The posing aspect of this competition is what has scared me the most. I have to learn how to isometrically contract all my muscles (specifically my lats, delts and quads) at the same time and look like it's effortless and relaxed at the same time. It takes a lot of practice, patience and concentration. And I have had to reteach my body  how to contract some muscles in completely different ways.

Practicing posing is hard work! You wouldn't necessarily think it would be, but I sweat during it! This is the what I have to repeat to myself when practicing: arms up, shoulders back, chest 0ut, lats flared, quads contracted, back arched and ass out! Now you try it. ;-) It's tough!

I hadn't realized that a full hour of practicing this would have made my body sore. But Saturday evening my lower back began to ache. At first I couldn't figure out why. Then it hit me. Posing practice! After thinking about it, I know the ache comes from the back arch, booty out part of the pose. I was holding my body in that contracted state for a minute or two at a time. I never figured I get a workout posing. Little did I know.

I'm looking forward to practice this week on my own. My coach told me to wear my heels whenever I am in my house - cooking, cleaning, whatever - to get used to wearing them and feeling comfortable walking in them. It is going to be a challenge, but I think I am up for it this week.

Wish  me luck!