It seems like every day is a new challenge for me. Staying focused and disciplined is getting more difficult with every passing day. I never question my dedication or my passion but my persistence lags when I am feeling defeated. And perfectionism gets in the way of everything!
The last few weeks have been really draining emotionally and mentally for me. I am trying to stay focused, positive and confident but it's been an every day struggle. Those of you who talk to me regularly know this; you're all probably pretty tired of hearing me say "I don't think I can do this!" but it's seriously always at the front of my mind.
The training I have been doing over the past 4+ months started off with such ease. I sprinted out of the gates at full speed and was able to stay so focused. I trained hard, I remained dedicated and I didn't let my thoughts get in the way. Training was intense and I could see and feel the results. Being able to see my body change (mostly through pictures, but also with the measurements) was such a confidence boost! At this point in my training, I can still feel my body changing but it's much slower and clearly not fast enough for my mind. Patience is NOT one of my forte's.
I am now entering my 5th month and am feeling frustrated, defeated, and unsure. Questioning my readiness is a daily occurrence at this point in the game. I feel like I am running out of time and there is still SO much to be done! I don't feel like I "look" ready. Through my eyes, I don't look as close enough to the other girls as I should.
This is were the frustration comes into play. I feel like my spirit, body and mind are ready to do whatever it takes to get to where I need to be, but not having the support and proper guidance through all of this is finally taking a toll on me mentally. This journey has been one that I embarked on alone and I continue to sail the sea in a one woman boat. I know I could have hired someone to help me but the money investment aside, I really wanted to see what I could do on my own. It is becoming abundantly clear with every passing week that in order for me to get to the level I want to eventually attain, I must call in some reinforcements.
Being a perfectionist seems to be getting in the way as well. I keep telling myself that most women who do these shows give themselves at least 8 months to get their bodies competition ready. I've only been at it hardcore for 4. I have been overly concerned with how I will match up with the other competitor's. I have this horrible feeling of embarrassment coming over me. I keep thinking I am gonna look like such a rookie on that stage. I want to be perfect. I want my body to speak for itself and "show" the way I think it should. I am so afraid of being laughed at and looked at with an over critical eye.
Truth is, it's gonna happen regardless of whether I am "perfect" or not. After all, that's what the judges are there to do. And every girl backstage is going to be looking at their competition with a critical eye as well. I just hate not being able to perfect everything I attempt on the first try.
I know I need to just push through my mind's bullshit, stop whining and get to work. I don't want to fail. I don't want to disappoint myself or all of my friends and family that are cheering me on. I need to learn to accept where I am at this point in time so that I can continue to move forward on this journey.
I will NOT be a quitter. My dad would say, "NO stinkin thinkin!" and encourage me to follow through and push forward. For my dad, I do anything. So, today I am making a promise to myself to push as hard as I possibly can mentally, emotionally, physically over the next 20 days. I CAN do this.....you just watch and see. ;-)
Short term goals: OCB Arizona Natural 8/27/2011; OCB Sin City Natural 10/1/2011
Long term goal: Training in the "off season" (Oct-Feb/March) and getting ready for the shows in the spring; hiring someone to help me with my splits and nutrition; accepting what my body is able to do.
And so I leave you with some awesome words of wisdom from one of my dearest friends. I need to post this up on my mirror and read it every day.
"Our biggest critic in life for people like us is ourselves. With that being said understand that this characteristic allows us to go above and beyond what the average person may ever be able to achieve. You have shown amazing will power through major adversity so there needs to be no doubt. You will succeed you will be great and you will be proud of yourself in more ways than one. You are excelling in something that you are passionate about and how many people will ever be able to say that. I guess what I'm trying to say is KEEP TRAINING HIT THAT SHOW AND KICK SOME ASS!"
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