Heartbreak, frustration and defeat

I am feeling the gamut of emotions tonight.

About 9:00p.m. tonight, I received an email from the promoter of the Las Vegas show I was planning on competing in on October 1st. The show has been cancelled due to low registration. Knife straight to my heart. Frustration to the Nth degree.

I am beyond disappointed, especially when I have been feeling so good about my body and where I am right now with my leanness and muscularity. I didn't feel that way 5 weeks ago when I was supposed to do the other show. I was actually finally getting excited about competing and showing my stuff out on that stage. No more nerves. No more anxiety. Just a serious natural high from knowing that I would soon be hitting that stage and competing with other like-minded women and athletes.

The rational part of my mind knows it isn't the end of the world, but I cannot help but feel defeated. I have been working SO hard for the past 6 months, pushing my body and mind to the limit; practicing such discipline and dedication. Taking myself places within that I never thought I could.

The training for this competition for me has always been about how far I could push myself both mentally and physically as well as emotionally. I have definitely learned a lot about myself and discovered I really am stronger then I thought I was. Add to this the fact that I have been dealing with this horrible crohn's flare for over 2 months making it that much harder.

Double knife to the heart:

 I went to my new GI doctor today and the outcome was not so good. He wants both an endoscopy and colonoscopy ASAP. They are scheduled for next Tuesday and Wednesday. I am not fearful of these procedures, as this will be my 3rd colonoscopy. Rather I am fearful of what he may find and the resulting medications I will most likely be forced to take.

For the entirety of this disease I have been able to stay off of medications. A few dietary adjustments and regular exercise have helped. Granted, my disease has been atypical in that I have been in "remission" for most of it aside from the other 2 "flares" I had (2003,2007).  Most people deal with symptoms every day and never have periods of remission.

The one drug that I have been adamant about NOT taking is prednisone. My doctor told me that I will need to start that ASAP. I cried right there in his office. Besides not wanting to put a steroid into my body, I am very fearful and concerned with its side effects. He says I will only have to take it for as long as it takes, meaning it depends on how quickly or slowly my body responds to the drug.

I am feeling so defeated in so many ways. First I get the blow that I need these procedures and will need to take a steroid. Then I get the next jab that the show is cancelled. The ONE thing I have been looking forward to and focusing on for months on end, especially the last few weeks.

I know there are people dealing with much more worse things, but this just brings me so much sadness and grief. It's like training for a marathon for months and then being told you can't run. Or planning an awesome vacation that has to be cancelled. Let down. Defeated. Helpless.

I know I said I would not let this disease defeat me, but I feel helpless at this very moment in time. I know that I will eventually get through this ( I always do) but I need some time to grieve.

I will be forever grateful for all the amazing support my friends and family have given me and hang my hope on the next show here in Arizona in the Spring. I am holding out hope and asking the universe for help in aligning all that is good so that I can be healthy and body abled to compete in March.

In the meantime, I will take the next few days to process and grieve and then get back in the saddle and game plan for the next 4-6 months. I may be wounded and I may be feeling weak, but I will not allow this to kill my soul and spirit. I won't. I just can't.

Hopefully before the weekend is over I will finally get around to taking some new pictures and measurements and posting them here. The very least I can do is show you all how I've progressed and where I am now. Besides....I feel pretty amazing about my body these days. ;-)