I was doing fine this morning until I got out of the shower. I just had this overwhelming sadness come over me. And then I cried. And I cried. And I cried. My strength has run out. The helpless feelings overcame me today.
I guess getting out of the shower, drying off and seeing my disfigured lower body was too much for me today. I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down and inside out. I keep trying to tell myself that I will be ok and that everything will return as it was but I can't help but have some doubt. I have such overwhelming feelings of defeat today.
I keep thinking about how much time, effort and hard work I have put into all this training. How dedicated and focused I have been. Now I need to convince myself that I have to have all that same determination in getting better and believing in myself once again that I can get back up on my feet. That I will have the same strength to get through this healing process so I can start over again. Starting over sounds like such a daunting task. From where will I start? How much is this recovery period going to cost me?
Whenever I face this kind of adversity I always tell myself that I will be ok. I always land on my feet. Just like my lions. But for some reason I won't believe myself. Maybe it's because I've never been knocked down this hard, this fast. It's got to be the one of lowest points in my life.
I know that my health is my number one priority right now. I cannot do anything else well if I don't have that. But losing so much control over my body this past week was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And now giving all the control to my doctor and trying to trust him that he will help me get well and not harm me in the process is a day by day process for me. Day by day. Step by step. One foot in front of the other.
"Defeat is not defeat unless accepted as a reality in your own mind." - Bruce Lee
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