The hardest part of moving forward is not looking back.

The decision has been made and it's time time to move forward.

Tomorrow starts another new chapter in this journey. I will be spending the next 12 weeks or so focusing on rebuilding the muscle and strength I lost when I was ill and forced to take time off from training. My main goal is to regain and surpass my previous strength, firm up and hopefully bulk up a bit too.

 My diet will not be as restricted as it was when I was in full training mode. Instead of focusing on carb cycling and cutting body fat, I will be focusing on maintaining my current body fat percentage and staying within a 5-10 lb range with my weight. I'll still be food journaling but instead of focusing on carbs I will be focusing on my overall calorie intake as well as upping my protein intake to build my muscle back up. It's been freeing not having to be so precise with my carb intake and allowing myself to enjoy food again instead of being in the mindset of food=fuel. Chocolate, ice cream, yogurt, bread are my friends again. :-)

I am already feeling a mental and emotional boost from taking this short break from being so precise and restrictive with my training and eating. I have been working so hard, nonstop for over 6 months with the main goal all along to get to the point where I would be competition ready. My mental/emotional endurance was running out. Now that the possibility of reaching that goal is simply out of reach for the short term I am ready to loosen the grip on my self discipline and rigidity in my training and eating.

 I know that this break is right on time and it will allow me to grow in love with my workouts again and alleviate some of the stress of planning meals and maintaining such a strict workout regime. It's been nice not to be so hard on myself to fit all my training in and freeing to not feel so guilty if I don't get to a workout every day or eat something I shouldn't.

I would also like to start working on some of my career goals and implementing a plan of action to keep moving forward. I'm excited to see what I can do in the next few months to achieve this goal. I have several things in brain rotation.

On the health front, I am feeling really good physically. I am hoping that this week will be a changing one, as I see my doctor on Wednesday and will hopefully, finally be ready to start my "forever" medication and begin tapering off this prednisone. *fingers crossed*

I am continuing to put one foot in front of the other and refuse to look back. It's only forward movement and thinking for me. And I am continuing to gain strength and motivation from all of my wonderfully supportive family and friends. I don't know if I could have pushed through all of this entirely on my own. I am genuinely most grateful and appreciative of every one's love. <3


"My friends are my estate." - Emily Dickinson.

Sometimes we must use the wings we are given to not only fly but to soar

I have so much in my head I don't know where to start.....

My Health:

 I am heading into week 3 on prednisone. Since my last update, a lot has happened. My last appointment with my GI was better then expected. I admit that it has been a slow process trusting my doctor and accepting his course of action but working with him over the past couple of weeks has made me realize what an awesome doctor he really is. He has been so supportive and willing to work with me and has spent so much time really explaining the steps to me as well as truly listening to my concerns and ideas. I consider myself lucky to have found him.

I was tasked with making a decision on my "forever" medication. He gave me four choices that I spent an entire weekend researching. After narrowing it down to 2, calling my insurance to determine coverage and co-pay, it simply came down to affordability. Convenience also played an important role, but bottom line was the cheapest monthly copay won out.

This medication is one that I will now have to take once a day for the rest of my life. It is the drug that will keep me in remission and able to live a life with normal digestion. I have come to accept that no matter how much I don't want to admit it, I have a disease that I cannot control without meds. My quality of life depends on it.

I had a stressful week last week after I made my decision, however. I had to go in for yet another blood test/genetic testing to determine if my body will be able to metabolize this new medication and provide a baseline before I start taking it. I will have to go in for occasional blood tests (not sure how often) to monitor the medication in my system.

I see my doctor next week and hopefully will be ready to start this new med so that we can start tapering off the prednisone. This new medication can take 2-3 months (of being in my system) before it starts working so we will begin tapering as soon as I start it so that we can hopefully time it where I am off the prednisone when the new med kicks in. Guess work, time, patience and hope.

My training:

Last Monday was my first day back in the gym. Strength training was really difficult last week. I was really able to feel how much strength I had lost in such a short amount of time (2 weeks without lifting).  It was all kinds of discouraging. It was tough on me mentally and I had a really hard time pushing through the emotional wall last week. A couple conversations with a couple of my trainer friends in the gym gave me hope and helped me push through as best as I could. I just tried to focus on the now and let go of the yesterday. I will be the first to admit it was a really hard thing to do.

Yesterday was the start of week two and I definitely felt much stronger yesterday. I had a pretty good lift session and today's workout was pretty good too. I can feel some things coming back and others struggling to get there. My mindset has been much more focused this week and I feel a little more hopeful.

It's been really tough digesting my muscle mass loss and strength but I know that I can get back to where I was if I just remember the dedication and self discipline that got me there in the first place. Time to dig deep, Jill.

There is a competition here in the Phoenix area on November 5th. A little less then 4 weeks away. I would love, love, love to do this show. I just don't know if my body will be ready by then. I know my my mind will follow whatever path my body decides to take. For now the plan is to push through this week, devise a new workout plan for next week and evaluate my body at the end of next week.

I decided tonight that what shall be, will be. Ideally I would do this show in November and take the rest of the year off from diet restrictions and heavy training and focus on maintaining where I am now so that come January 2nd I can start training hard for the show in the Spring (March/April).  I want to enjoy the holiday months sans guilt and training stress.

If my body says no, then I am ready to accept that. Ultimately, my body will be the boss on this one.

My emotional/mental health:

I'll be the first to admit that the last few weeks have been the biggest, longest roller coaster ride I have been on in a very long time. It's been chalk full of ups and downs, twists and turns, highs and lows; many I wasn't sure I could get through. But somehow, some way I did.

"History has demonstrated that the most notable winners usually encountered heartbreaking obstacles before they triumphed. They won because they refused to become discouraged by their defeats."

I've been really trying to concentrate on refocusing my thoughts and energy when I find myself thinking negatively or when I am feeling discouraged. My own self deprecation is my worst enemy. It can stop me dead in my tracks if I let it and I have decided I will not let it.

New mantra: I can. I have. I will again.

It also helps to have such amazing friends and family that believe in me. All of that positive encouragement lifts my spirits and helps me get through on those days that are tough.

Short term/long term goals:

The list is in progress, but firming up. Short term goals are taking precedent for now. Forward thinking only.

Tomorrow:


I continue to look ahead and push through the mental and emotional garbage. Only option.


"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning." - Albert Einstein

"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn." C.S. Lewis

Today is day 7 on my meds. And I feel good. I have let go of the things that I can no longer control and am holding tight to the things that I see in my future.

"Learning is not attained by chance, it must be sought for with ardor and attended to with diligence."
--Abigail Adams
I have always said that you learn something new every day. It is there for the taking you just have to slow down and digest it. This past week has taught me so much, not only about myself, but about those around me.

I have been humbled through this illness. My health and fitness are not all I that I am and they may be taken from me at any given time. I have learned not to take ANYTHING for granted. Cliche as it is, tomorrow is never promised. I have been reminded (because this one is always being taught to me) that I can't always do everything all the time and that that is okay. Perfection will never be attained in this lifetime so it's okay to let things go sometimes.

Those that are in my life that truly care have been supportive and loving. I have learned how much I am loved. I have been shown who will stand by me through the good and the bad. And all the encouraging words and support have truly uplifted me and given me strength.

I am always striving for more patience in my life and with last week's sudden attack I have been forced to practice it daily. It's been extremely tough mentally for me to not be active. I have not been to the gym or did any type of exercise for 12 days. That is the longest stretch of time of inactivity in the last 12 years! I guess one day for every year is what I'm due. :-) Tomorrow I will attempt yoga. I figure I can always sit in child pose the whole class if it gets to be too much. I just need a small mental boost to get me through the rest of the week.

Giving trust to my doctor has been a lesson as well. I know he is the educated one on this disease. And I know, rationally, that he has my best interest at heart. I also know that he wouldn't put me on a medication he didn't think I needed. Learning to trust him through this has been a step by step process. I am trying to be open to his course of action but at the same time hold on to a little bit of power in my care. He says he will work closely with me in monitoring my progression with the meds, particularly the prednisone, so that we can minimize the side effects. I am banking on this. But I also know that whatever is meant to be will be. I have a few things in my back pocket I can turn to once my course of steroids is done.

I never thought that this journey of figure training I embarked on would lead me to so many revelations and lessons. I am constantly learning how much I can deal with and how strong I really am physically,mentally and emotionally. I have yet to cross that elusive finish line, but when I do that victory will be that much sweeter. <3

Upside down, inside out

I was doing fine this morning until I got out of the shower. I just had this overwhelming sadness come over me. And then I cried. And I cried. And I cried. My strength has run out. The helpless feelings overcame me today.

I guess getting out of the shower, drying off and seeing my disfigured lower body was too much for me today. I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down and inside out. I keep trying to tell myself that I will be ok and that everything will return as it was but I can't help but have some doubt. I have such overwhelming feelings of defeat today.

I keep thinking about how much time, effort and hard work I have put into all this training. How dedicated and focused I have been. Now I need to convince myself that I have to have all that same determination in getting better and believing in myself once again that I can get back up on my feet. That I will have the same strength to get through this healing process so I can start over again. Starting over sounds like such a daunting task. From where will I start? How much is this recovery period going to cost me?

Whenever I face this kind of adversity I always tell myself that I will be ok. I always land on my feet. Just like my lions. But for some reason I won't believe myself. Maybe it's because I've never been knocked down this hard, this fast. It's got to be the one of lowest points in my life.

I know that my health is my number one priority right now. I cannot do anything else well if I don't have that. But losing so much control over my body this past week was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And now giving all the control to my doctor and trying to trust him that he will help me get well and not harm me in the process is a day by day process for me. Day by day. Step by step. One foot in front of the other.

"Defeat is not defeat unless accepted as a reality in your own mind." - Bruce Lee

After the storm, the sky clears

The colonoscopy showed something somewhat surprising today. The only area of inflammation and ulcers was at 0-20cm of the colon( very last part of the colon). What this means is that I have no inflammation in my small intestines or any other part of my colon. It is a possibility that I may have ulcerative colitis instead of crohn's. It's tomatoe tomato concerning most pain symptoms but that would be better for me in the long term.

He took biopsies while in there too, so we wait on those results and the biopsies of my upper GI yesterday. I see him back in his office in a week.

The bad news: I will be taking an inordinate amount of medication for the next 2 weeks. Two of those meds for two weeks and  the other 2 meds until the Dr. says to stop.  And yes, the prednisone is in that bunch. After being in so much pain yesterday, I had no choice. I couldn't function that way.

Crazy thing is......I was actually anticipating starting these medications. I am tired of feeling this way. I took the first dose of pills as soon as I got home. I was able to get all of my doses in except my last dose of prednisone. I am already feeling better.

The bad parts are still my right knee, left hand and right finger. My ankles are still swollen but they don't hurt .I have just about full range of motion in all my joints. My right knee is still holding on to some stiffness and pain w/ pressure. I'll be doubly happy when all of the swelling goes down completely. I see now why the nurse today said prednisone is like a miracle worker and why Dr.'s turn to it in severe cases of inflammation like I have.

The last time I worked out was last Thursday. It's been a week since I've done anything and I am eager to get back to my workouts. Probably not as intense as I was during training but enough to maintain my muscle mass and not loose what I worked so hard to gain. I won't push it though. I won't step into the gym until all of this swelling is gone. I hope that's soon. I'm going crazy without my workouts.

I spent some time grieving today. Grieving the fact that I had been somewhat defeated. Then I just accepted that if I really wanted the pain and suffering to stop, I had no choice but to take these pills. I was so tired of feeling sick. I had two choices today: to be whiny, woe-is-me and helpless or to push forward, be accepting and participate in the healing. I chose the latter.

I am putting trust in my new Dr. that he will monitor me closely enough so we can minimize any side effects of the steroid. It's hard to trust someone you don't know about something so important but at some point I have to let go. It's been hard to give up that control.

So tonight I am feeling hopeful again. Feeling the pain seep out of my body has been reassuring and exciting. Exciting because of how quickly my body is responding and because I am that much closer to feeling like "me" again. This has been so rough on me emotionally. To go from being someone who is as active as I am, to be struck down in your tracks, it's been emotionally debilitating.

Confession: at one point the pain was so bad yesterday I asked myself if I was dying.

I am ready for this chapter to begin because that means I am that much closer to the next.

Health Challenges and Obstacles

I finally got in to see my new GI doctor last Thursday. The visit didn't go as expected.

After going over my history with him and discussing my current symptoms he was very concerned with my health. He ordered a upper GI endoscopy and colonoscopy for the following week. He said we needed them ASAP. The severe amount of inflammation in my body plus not being on any medication (ever) means that I have basically had some sort of inflammation in my GI since I was diagnosed. He said all that inflammation is a precancerous atmosphere for my body. If it isn't put under control, I'll surely be setting myself up for colon cancer.

That scared me.

So we discussed treatment options and medication choices. He was of course pretty insistent on me taking the one drug I did not want to take: prednisone. I broke down in tears right then and there. My problem with the drug lies mostly in it's many horrid side effects but also that I would just prefer not to put steroids in my body. Unfortunately, prednisone is a tried and true quick inflammation reducer so there really isn't many other options.

After we discussed it at length he promised me he would monitor me very closely so that he could minimize the side effects. Of course, I was still hesitant and told him let's wait and see what we find. He also started me on an antibiotic that only stays in the gut to kill any bacteria/infection I may have been harboring from the food poisoning in July that set this flare off. I took the first dose on Friday.

Friday afternoon at work, my right knee was hurting me a little bit. I never have knee pain so it took me by surprise. On Saturday, my knee was red and I could feel a bump like maybe it was an ingrown hair or something. I dismissed it and moved on.

When I woke up Sunday not only did my knee hurt even more, but my left foot and ankle and my right hip were hurting. And my left hand was red and swollen too. I knew something was wrong. After talking with my mom and trying to figure out what the heck was going on she mentioned a possible allergic reaction to the meds I started. I pulled out the insert and starting reading. Sure enough there was a section about hypersensitivity and one of the side effects/symptoms was angioneurotic edema, which is basically swelling in the extremities. I didn't take the night dose on Sunday and stopped taking it all together.

When I woke up Monday, I was in a lot of pain. It was really tough for me to even get out of bed. At this point both knees hurt(although the right was still the worse), both ankles, my left hand, and right hip all hurt. And a previous injury to one of my fingers on my right hand that hadn't totally healed was know severely swollen and deformed. I had to call in sick to work because I not only could I not use my left hand but I even had a hard time just walking.

Yesterday morning was the worse. When I tried to get out of bed I felt pain in every part of my body. My joints were red, swollen, painful and stiff. I could barely move. I felt like I was 90 years old. I sat at the end of my bed and cried. What was happening to me?

I was nauseous and weak, at times dizzy. I got in the shower and at one point felt like I was going to pass out. This was not good. Fortunately, I had called my primary doctor the day before and had an appt scheduled for that morning at 8. I had to call my mom to come over and help me the kids to school and me to my appt because there was no way I could drive. I also had my endoscopy scheduled for that day. I had to check in at 11:30a.m.

After 2 hours in my doctor's office, she sided with me on the notion that it was probably some type of hypersensitivity I was having from the antibiotic. But she was really concerned with the amount of redness and swelling in my knee. Luckily I had gone to the lab the day before and had blood drawn so she was able to use those results as a reference. I gave her a urine sample and waited. After she discussed it with the doctor above her and going over my lab results, they feared that I was becoming sceptic and that even though there wasn't an infection yet, I was on my way there very quickly. She said I may have go to a orthopedist to get my knee tapped. Cheese and rice.

She told me I probably would have to cancel my procedures because we didn't want to risk a perforation in my stomach with the possibility of an infection brewing. That would be all bad for me. I asked her to consult with my doctor and see what he said. He was confident that all that joint swelling was a direct result of my IBD; a classic sign. I had already known that that could be a possibility as well, but I felt like the antibiotic did contribute to the sudden severity of my joint issues. We would proceed with the procedure as planned.

When I was finally wheeled back into the procedure room, I had my doctor take a quick look at my knee. He stuck to his previous assertion that this was a classic sign/symptom of IBD. I told him I was willing to try the prednisone for a short amount of time, like a couple weeks and he shot me down once again. There could be no time restraints put on my course of treatment. I cried again.

I am just feeling so defeated by the horrible disease. I feel helpless. And it makes me sad.

I had been running a low grade fever for days so I went home and took some Tylenol. To my surprise, within about an hour of taking those 2 pills, I had almost complete range of motion back in my legs. There were still swollen, red patches but they didn't hurt as bad. I don't know if it was truly the Tylenol that did it, or maybe the anesthesia I had earlier that day contributed. I was just overwhelmed and grateful to be able to move without such pain.

The results of my endoscopy only showed a moderate amount of gastritis (swelling in the stomach lining). Everything else was normal. My colonscopy is scheduled in about 4 hours. I haven't eaten anything solid since Monday night. I wasn't hungry yesterday but today after the last of my prep, I am starving. I could go for a good bowl of soup when I get home.

Knowing now how quickly this can progress I feel like I have no choice but to give this crap prednisone a try. I am just putting faith in my body that it responds quickly and I won't have to be on it very long. I am also going to make some herbal teas that are natural diuretics that will help with the water retention I may have.

I will probably start my first dose this afternoon. I am holding onto hope that this will be short dose of meds. Hope is pretty much all I have.

* I hadn't realized I already wrote about the GI visit. Sorry for the repeat of information.*

Heartbreak, frustration and defeat

I am feeling the gamut of emotions tonight.

About 9:00p.m. tonight, I received an email from the promoter of the Las Vegas show I was planning on competing in on October 1st. The show has been cancelled due to low registration. Knife straight to my heart. Frustration to the Nth degree.

I am beyond disappointed, especially when I have been feeling so good about my body and where I am right now with my leanness and muscularity. I didn't feel that way 5 weeks ago when I was supposed to do the other show. I was actually finally getting excited about competing and showing my stuff out on that stage. No more nerves. No more anxiety. Just a serious natural high from knowing that I would soon be hitting that stage and competing with other like-minded women and athletes.

The rational part of my mind knows it isn't the end of the world, but I cannot help but feel defeated. I have been working SO hard for the past 6 months, pushing my body and mind to the limit; practicing such discipline and dedication. Taking myself places within that I never thought I could.

The training for this competition for me has always been about how far I could push myself both mentally and physically as well as emotionally. I have definitely learned a lot about myself and discovered I really am stronger then I thought I was. Add to this the fact that I have been dealing with this horrible crohn's flare for over 2 months making it that much harder.

Double knife to the heart:

 I went to my new GI doctor today and the outcome was not so good. He wants both an endoscopy and colonoscopy ASAP. They are scheduled for next Tuesday and Wednesday. I am not fearful of these procedures, as this will be my 3rd colonoscopy. Rather I am fearful of what he may find and the resulting medications I will most likely be forced to take.

For the entirety of this disease I have been able to stay off of medications. A few dietary adjustments and regular exercise have helped. Granted, my disease has been atypical in that I have been in "remission" for most of it aside from the other 2 "flares" I had (2003,2007).  Most people deal with symptoms every day and never have periods of remission.

The one drug that I have been adamant about NOT taking is prednisone. My doctor told me that I will need to start that ASAP. I cried right there in his office. Besides not wanting to put a steroid into my body, I am very fearful and concerned with its side effects. He says I will only have to take it for as long as it takes, meaning it depends on how quickly or slowly my body responds to the drug.

I am feeling so defeated in so many ways. First I get the blow that I need these procedures and will need to take a steroid. Then I get the next jab that the show is cancelled. The ONE thing I have been looking forward to and focusing on for months on end, especially the last few weeks.

I know there are people dealing with much more worse things, but this just brings me so much sadness and grief. It's like training for a marathon for months and then being told you can't run. Or planning an awesome vacation that has to be cancelled. Let down. Defeated. Helpless.

I know I said I would not let this disease defeat me, but I feel helpless at this very moment in time. I know that I will eventually get through this ( I always do) but I need some time to grieve.

I will be forever grateful for all the amazing support my friends and family have given me and hang my hope on the next show here in Arizona in the Spring. I am holding out hope and asking the universe for help in aligning all that is good so that I can be healthy and body abled to compete in March.

In the meantime, I will take the next few days to process and grieve and then get back in the saddle and game plan for the next 4-6 months. I may be wounded and I may be feeling weak, but I will not allow this to kill my soul and spirit. I won't. I just can't.

Hopefully before the weekend is over I will finally get around to taking some new pictures and measurements and posting them here. The very least I can do is show you all how I've progressed and where I am now. Besides....I feel pretty amazing about my body these days. ;-)