For 10+ years I allowed another person to take care of me: financially, emotionally, mentally, physically. I trusted that this person would make all the right decisions for us and our family and would support me in every way possible. I stopped being independent the day I got married. I lost a part of me that had always been very important. Being able to rely on myself in every possible way was my every day. It helped make me who I was, who I wanted to be, who I thought I would always be.
Today, I am having to learn things anew. Some things that many people find basic, such as paying bills, managing an income and household expenses, saving for the future and any financial emergencies is something I haven't had to do in a very long time. It hasn't been my "job". My ex took over every financial aspect of my life. He wanted to do it. In fact, he insisted on it. One more way for him to take control. And me being the good wife I was, let him. And now I am paying for it.
I know that it is going to take some time to relearn these things and get reacquainted with managing a househould. I understand that this road will also probably have lots of bumps and turns. It doesn't make it any less frustrating. It makes me feel slightly less then competent.
Giving someone such power over me was one of the hardest decisions I had to make in a relationship but I did it because I trusted that person. I try to live my life without regrets but this is one choice I am having a hard time accepting without feeling like a complete failure. The only way I can push through this is to just do it because I am on my own again and no one is going to figure this out for me but me.
I am grateful for my family for supporting me with housing and finances in my time of my need. I know that I could not probably make it back to independence without them. But with this also comes sacrifices for us all. For me, it also forces me to have patience once again. It seems that life continues to give me lessons in patience in the hopes that one day I will finally have enough of it to not need these frequent lessons.
Privacy has been an issue for me lately too. It's been really hard adjusting to living in a home with not only my 2 children but also my mother and sister. I lived on my own for 7 years before I got married. Then I adjusted to living with a spouse and my children. But even during that time I still had days and times where I was alone or the house was quiet. I don't have that luxury anymore and I know it probably sounds like a trivial thing to some, but for me having that absolute emptiness has always been essential to my happiness and has helped me thrive as a person. Not to mention living with my mom makes me feel like a teenager again. :-/
I know in due time this will all work itself out and I will once again become an independent self sufficient woman but at this moment in time it seems so far away. Faith and patience. Perservance and hard work. This is what will get me to where I need to be. Where I deserve to be. In the meantime, I just need to breathe.
"It's easy to be independent when you've got money. But to be independent when you haven't got a thing -- that's the Lord's test. "
Mahalia Jackson
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