My road to independence comes at a price...

For 10+ years I allowed another person to take care of me: financially, emotionally, mentally, physically. I trusted that this person would make all the right decisions for us and our family and would support me in every way possible.  I stopped being independent the day I got married. I lost a part of me that had always been very important. Being able to rely on myself in every possible way was my every day. It helped make me who I was, who I wanted to be, who I thought I would always be.

Today, I am having to learn things anew. Some things that many people find basic, such as paying bills, managing an income and household expenses, saving for the future and any financial emergencies is something I haven't had to do in a very long time. It hasn't been my "job". My ex took over every financial aspect of my life. He wanted to do it. In fact, he insisted on it. One more way for him to take control. And me being the good wife I was, let him. And now I am paying for it.

I know that it is going to take some time to relearn these things and get reacquainted with managing a househould. I understand that this road will also probably have lots of bumps and turns. It doesn't make it any less frustrating. It makes me feel slightly less then competent.

Giving someone such power over me was one of the hardest decisions I had to make in a relationship but I did it because I trusted that person. I try to live my life without regrets but this is one choice I am having a hard time accepting without feeling like a complete failure. The only way I can push through this is to just do it because I am on my own again and no one is going to figure this out for me but me.

I am grateful for my family for supporting me with housing and finances in my time of my need. I know that I could not probably make it back to independence without them. But with this also comes sacrifices for us all. For me, it also forces me to have patience once again. It seems that life continues to give me lessons in patience in the hopes that one day I will finally have enough of it to not need these frequent lessons.

Privacy has been an issue for me lately too. It's been really hard adjusting to living in a home with not only my 2 children but also my mother and sister. I lived on my own for 7 years before I got married. Then I adjusted to living with a spouse and my children. But even during that time I still had days and times where I was alone or the house was quiet. I don't have that luxury anymore and I know it probably sounds like a trivial thing to some, but for me having that absolute emptiness has always been essential to my happiness and has helped me thrive as a person. Not to mention living with my mom makes me feel like a teenager again. :-/

I know in due time this will all work itself out and I will once again become an independent self sufficient woman but at this moment in time it seems so far away. Faith and patience. Perservance and hard work. This is what will get me to where I need to be. Where I deserve to be. In the meantime, I just need to breathe.

"It's easy to be independent when you've got money. But to be independent when you haven't got a thing -- that's the Lord's test. "
Mahalia Jackson

One step at a time

"Sometimes you have to forget whats gone, appreciate what still remains, and look forward to what's coming next."

Today was another step towards my future. It brought with it a host of emotions: nervous, happy, excited, accomplished, proud. I see my rainbow a little more clearly today. The path to my end goal is being cleared and although I now see it on the horizon I also see that the work has only just begun. I am ready and willing to put in the time. After all, the greatest of the great had to start somewhere, right?!

I had my first shadowing session with my personal training mentor, Brad today. He did a leg workout session with 2 women today and I basically just observed, added encouragment, helped with weights. He explained some of the things he was doing directly to me, but mostly I just listened to his instructions to his clients, taking in as much as I could as we moved through the workout.

After the session was over we chatted some about his clients, how we will progress and what my opportunities for the future will be. I am not certain how long it will take me be ready to take on my own clients but I do know that I will be taking those clients from Brad. He has big plans for me and an assured future working with/for him here at this studio, as well as in the distant future working along side him and managing his own private studio.

Brad & I have been trying to get this working relationship underway for a couple years now. Sometimes it takes a little time to get all the stars aligned and I feel like finally, when I need things to go in my favor, they are lining up as they should. The end goal will be to be a personal trainer with my own client base, working in Brad's AZ studio location and managing his clients when he is away at his California studio. It may be another year or two before we get to this end goal but I am looking forward to working towards this amazing dream. Brad is an amazing trainer and an even more amazing person. You have to understand that he is doing all this for me out of the goodness of his heart and because he believes in me. What a blessing to have a person like this in my life!

There is also a possible opportunity for me to rent space at this studio to do massage. I would be able to offer those services to not only my current massage clients but also to my future training clients and any of the other trainers clients as well. There are well over a dozen trainers at this studio so there really is endless opportunity to grow. The studio is new, fresh and energizing. I already know a handful of the trainers on staff so it will be an easy tranistion for me here.

Here is a link to the studio if you are interested in learning a little more about my new "home."

http://scottstrainingsystems.com/

I will go back into the studio Thursday afternoon to shadow 2 more sessions. The girls go back to school next week so I should have more time available to get into the studio. I am going to shoot for 5-10 hours a week. It is important to me to make it a doable goal and to be consistent about it. This time I am committing is not paid time but rather more of an unpaid internship of sorts. It is kind of unheard of really, but I want to be able to offer my clients the best of the best. Learning from one of the best is the surest way to became one of those "best" as well.  Referrals are the best compliment you can get and I want my clients to be able to say they would refer anyone they know to me. I believe in top quality service and if my clients are not getting what they expect how can I expect them to continue working with me?!

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

Yesterday was not the day I expected it to be. I learned some new things about myself and I am really proud of the person I am. Some people are naturally self less. Some become self less as they experience life. In the end, I think when life hands us challenges it forces us to look at ourselves in the mirror and decide if we like what we see and can live with that image. I know that I can sleep easy at night.

We went to court yesterday for what was supposed to be the first of many. It turned out to be the first and the last. I am officially divorced.

Let me first start off by saying I am not going to go into all the details here. It wouldn't be completely fair as we know there are 3 sides to every story: your side, their side and the truth :-) I will just say that I compromised on a lot of things yesterday and gave up a lot of money and material things. But I also learned a big lesson. I learned the true meaning of  "Money can't buy you happiness".

There is no amount of money that can buy my sanity. Money is not ultimately the most important thing in my life. My children, my health, my peace of mind, my long term happiness are the most important things. I decided to let a lot of things that I was fighting for go (alimony, items from the home, tax exemptions). Apparently more then 10 years of marriage and dedicating my life to my family were not enough to warrant me some of the basics things I thought I deserved. I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud of who I am. Ulitmately, that's the only thing that counts.

I am saddened by one door closing yet excited for the many others that may open. I have big dreams, big plans and I plan to put my nose to the grindstone and make them happen.

I will be learning how to become self sufficient again. My ex took control over every financial aspect of our relationship/home and I haven't a clue of how much any things costs anymore. I luckily have an amazing mother who has been and will always be by my side every step of the way.

Today a few more clouds have lifted and the end of the storm is nearly here. My rainbow is slowly coming into view.

"One half of knowing what you want is knowing what you must give up before you get it."  ~Sidney Howard

I'm back! :-)

"Let go of your attachment to what has already happened. And make room in your life to create the very best that can be."

Well, hello strangers! It's been nearly 8 months since my last entry and so much has happened. First let me apologize to all of my readers who have been following my journey since the beginning. My faithful supporters, you have not been forgotten.

 I have gotten several inquiries over the past 3 or 4 months of when I may start writing again. It's been on my to do list but life has been hectic and stressfull for the past 4 or 5 months. I am not sure where to start so I will keep with the basics for now: health, exercise, competition,work/career, family.

HEALTH

After spending all of October, November, December and January on prednisnone, I was finally completely weaned by the middle of February. In all, it was about 5 months of steroid therapy. I started my "forever" drug towards the end of my tapering and have been on it now without incident for about 4 months.

I was asked to make a choice between 4 different drugs. Two were what are classified as biologics and the other 2 were pills. Both routes of medications were a form of an immuno-suppressor. I spent a couple weeks researching like mad. I was leaning more heavily towards the biologics just because they seemed a more natural route to go. Ulitmately, cost won out and I went with a pill form that I take once a day and costs about $10 a month. The cheapest of the biologics was nearly $300 a month!

I have had no side effects and my body seems to be responding well to the new medication. I have been asked by my physcian (whom I adore) and friends/family if the drug "is working" but honestly they only way I could determine that would be to go off them. And that isn't happening. So for now, I say yes. :-)

I am scheduled for a follow up colonscopy in September. My Doc wants to check the good ole colon out and see how well it has healed and if they are any other diseased areas to be concerned with. I don't dread the procedure, really. It's a way to make myself eat clean and then get a clean out. Hee!

EXERCISE

I am physically back to fighting shape. I am no longer competition ready but I still feel strong and happy with my body. I am currently about 148 lbs. The lowest I got training was 133 lbs and 13% body fat which was bananas. It has taken me months to accept my body returning back to normal, however.

Training so hard for so long and being required to be so lean was one of the hardest challenges I've faced. Physically,mentally, emotionally. When you reach your goals (or are damn near close like I was) you see what you can do if you put your mind and body to it. You recognize that your hard work pays off and that IS attainable. The problem therein lies in trying to wrap your conscience around the reality that those numbers (lbs, BF%) are not maintable.

It's funny too, because when I was that lean and saw my body in the mirror, especially practicing my posing, I would think to myself that I was too skinny and that I was going to enjoy putting 10 lbs back on. And then when I did gain some weight back I was panaroid that I gained too much and that I wasn't as appealing. These kind of competitions definitely mind fuck you a bit.

I am over it now and am loving how strong my body is again. My curves are back. And I may not be as defined because my body fat is back up to (guestestimate) 21% but I am no ok with that.

I am still having some occasional issues with the tendonitis in my right shoulder (rotator cuff) that at times disrupts my ability to lift heavy, or lift at all for that matter. I am working on trying to really strengthen that joint and those accompanying muscles. And trying to be better at getting more frequent massage as well to keep it at bay.

I started spinning in February and it is safe to say I am totally addicted! I get a hell of a workout and never leave the studio short of drenched. My legs have gotten even more defined and my ass......well that has become amazing! ;-)

I was contemplating trying a 8-week surfing class (I know, in the desert?) but my summer schedule was just too tough to fit it into. I am going to see if they will be offering another 8 week course in the near future though. I have always wanted to learn and feel like now is the time to really switch it up and learn new things.

COMPETITION

The number one question I get asked is "When are you going to do another competition?" The answer: I don't know.

I have so much going on in my life right now that comitting to training at that level would be nearly impossible for me. I am hoping that a few things will get resolved soon so that I can start toying with the idea of doing a show in October and start training in August.

Not holding my breath. I know that the opportunity will always be there waiting for me.And I am definitely NOT giving up this goal/dream.

FAMILY

Let me start off by saying that my girls are good. They will be going back to school in a very short 3 weeks (woohoo!). Niyanna will be turning the big 1-0  two weeks from today and will be entering 5th grade in the new school year. Malaya(MJ), my wild child, will be starting 2nd grade. I cannot believe how grown my babies are getting! And with the attitudes to match.

This may come as a shock to some of you, and others of you already know, but I am currently going through a very difficult, and up to this point, private thing. I filed for divorce in February and our lives have been topsy turvy for months.

Before you say I'm sorry, just know that this was the right thing to happen. It was frankly, overdue. This fact doesn't make it any easier but knowing that this was the right decision gives me the strength to push through. On the days that clouds hang a little lower, a little greyer then usual, I find solace in the fact that I have made the right decision.

I have a wonderfully supportive network of family and most awesome friends that have helped me through some dark days. Without them, I would be lost. I honestly don't think I could have been so strong without them cheering me on, lifting me up and reminding me of how strong I really am.

I moved the girls and I out of our family home May 10th. We are currently living with my most awesome mom and will remain here until the divorce is final and I am back on my feet financially. The goal is to give myself 8-12 months to pick myself back up and become self sufficient once again. Realistically, I think it may be more like 12-18 months but am just grateful for a place for my girls and I to call home for the time being.

WORK/CAREER

I am coming up on 14 years as a massage therapist and love what I do just as much today as when I started. I am reaffirmed every week that I am doing in life one of the many things I was meant to do.

I have been interested in getting more involved in the fitness industry, specifically as a personal trainer for a couple years now. I have even toyed with the idea of going back to school for a nutritionist degree or certification as well. I've had even bigger dreams of designing and operating my own website as well that would supply my clients near and far with everything they need to stay fit and healthy.

I am happy to say that I am several steps closer to all of those goals. I attended a AFAA sponsored personal training workshop in May and I just recently received my test results. I passed both portions of the test and am now a certified personal trainer. *happy dance*

 Even better news is that I will also be starting an internship of sorts with my personal training mentor (Brad) in the very, very near future. All I need to do is email him my availability and we will get started. This is a sort of unusual route for someone to go who has just received their cert, but this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for me, in my opinion, to learn from one of the best. Afterall, I intend to be the best as well.

Basically what I will be doing is shadowing Brad during his training sessions with his clients. This will not only give me tons of information on program designing, experience with clients, do's/don'ts but also give me the confidence I need to get out there and gain new clients. I want to be able to say that I give my clients exactly what they need and what the expect. I want to be the best I can be. Good work breeds more work.

I am looking into applying for financial aid so that I can begin a holistic nutrition program through the massage school that I attended. It is a 200 hour program that I can either do on campus and in the classroom or online. I estimate I can probably get it done in 18 months, maybe 24. I am willing and eager to put in the work. With this certification I will be able to give my clients that much more as well as contribute to their weight loss or lifestyle changes in eating.

As for the ultimate goal of having my own website, well I have a friend in the programming field that has offered to help me with whatever he can to get that goal of mine achieved. *happy dance #2*


"If you're brave enough to say good bye, life will reward you with a new world."

So now I push forward to the future and all the good that will come with it. It is definitely going to be a challenge but I am ready to work for what I want. This path will ultimately bring me satisifaction in work and allow me to for the first time in over 10 years be self supportive financially. I have a long ardous road ahead of me, but with all the support and love I am receiving from my family and friends there is no way I will fail.

Besos!

The hardest part of moving forward is not looking back.

The decision has been made and it's time time to move forward.

Tomorrow starts another new chapter in this journey. I will be spending the next 12 weeks or so focusing on rebuilding the muscle and strength I lost when I was ill and forced to take time off from training. My main goal is to regain and surpass my previous strength, firm up and hopefully bulk up a bit too.

 My diet will not be as restricted as it was when I was in full training mode. Instead of focusing on carb cycling and cutting body fat, I will be focusing on maintaining my current body fat percentage and staying within a 5-10 lb range with my weight. I'll still be food journaling but instead of focusing on carbs I will be focusing on my overall calorie intake as well as upping my protein intake to build my muscle back up. It's been freeing not having to be so precise with my carb intake and allowing myself to enjoy food again instead of being in the mindset of food=fuel. Chocolate, ice cream, yogurt, bread are my friends again. :-)

I am already feeling a mental and emotional boost from taking this short break from being so precise and restrictive with my training and eating. I have been working so hard, nonstop for over 6 months with the main goal all along to get to the point where I would be competition ready. My mental/emotional endurance was running out. Now that the possibility of reaching that goal is simply out of reach for the short term I am ready to loosen the grip on my self discipline and rigidity in my training and eating.

 I know that this break is right on time and it will allow me to grow in love with my workouts again and alleviate some of the stress of planning meals and maintaining such a strict workout regime. It's been nice not to be so hard on myself to fit all my training in and freeing to not feel so guilty if I don't get to a workout every day or eat something I shouldn't.

I would also like to start working on some of my career goals and implementing a plan of action to keep moving forward. I'm excited to see what I can do in the next few months to achieve this goal. I have several things in brain rotation.

On the health front, I am feeling really good physically. I am hoping that this week will be a changing one, as I see my doctor on Wednesday and will hopefully, finally be ready to start my "forever" medication and begin tapering off this prednisone. *fingers crossed*

I am continuing to put one foot in front of the other and refuse to look back. It's only forward movement and thinking for me. And I am continuing to gain strength and motivation from all of my wonderfully supportive family and friends. I don't know if I could have pushed through all of this entirely on my own. I am genuinely most grateful and appreciative of every one's love. <3


"My friends are my estate." - Emily Dickinson.

Sometimes we must use the wings we are given to not only fly but to soar

I have so much in my head I don't know where to start.....

My Health:

 I am heading into week 3 on prednisone. Since my last update, a lot has happened. My last appointment with my GI was better then expected. I admit that it has been a slow process trusting my doctor and accepting his course of action but working with him over the past couple of weeks has made me realize what an awesome doctor he really is. He has been so supportive and willing to work with me and has spent so much time really explaining the steps to me as well as truly listening to my concerns and ideas. I consider myself lucky to have found him.

I was tasked with making a decision on my "forever" medication. He gave me four choices that I spent an entire weekend researching. After narrowing it down to 2, calling my insurance to determine coverage and co-pay, it simply came down to affordability. Convenience also played an important role, but bottom line was the cheapest monthly copay won out.

This medication is one that I will now have to take once a day for the rest of my life. It is the drug that will keep me in remission and able to live a life with normal digestion. I have come to accept that no matter how much I don't want to admit it, I have a disease that I cannot control without meds. My quality of life depends on it.

I had a stressful week last week after I made my decision, however. I had to go in for yet another blood test/genetic testing to determine if my body will be able to metabolize this new medication and provide a baseline before I start taking it. I will have to go in for occasional blood tests (not sure how often) to monitor the medication in my system.

I see my doctor next week and hopefully will be ready to start this new med so that we can start tapering off the prednisone. This new medication can take 2-3 months (of being in my system) before it starts working so we will begin tapering as soon as I start it so that we can hopefully time it where I am off the prednisone when the new med kicks in. Guess work, time, patience and hope.

My training:

Last Monday was my first day back in the gym. Strength training was really difficult last week. I was really able to feel how much strength I had lost in such a short amount of time (2 weeks without lifting).  It was all kinds of discouraging. It was tough on me mentally and I had a really hard time pushing through the emotional wall last week. A couple conversations with a couple of my trainer friends in the gym gave me hope and helped me push through as best as I could. I just tried to focus on the now and let go of the yesterday. I will be the first to admit it was a really hard thing to do.

Yesterday was the start of week two and I definitely felt much stronger yesterday. I had a pretty good lift session and today's workout was pretty good too. I can feel some things coming back and others struggling to get there. My mindset has been much more focused this week and I feel a little more hopeful.

It's been really tough digesting my muscle mass loss and strength but I know that I can get back to where I was if I just remember the dedication and self discipline that got me there in the first place. Time to dig deep, Jill.

There is a competition here in the Phoenix area on November 5th. A little less then 4 weeks away. I would love, love, love to do this show. I just don't know if my body will be ready by then. I know my my mind will follow whatever path my body decides to take. For now the plan is to push through this week, devise a new workout plan for next week and evaluate my body at the end of next week.

I decided tonight that what shall be, will be. Ideally I would do this show in November and take the rest of the year off from diet restrictions and heavy training and focus on maintaining where I am now so that come January 2nd I can start training hard for the show in the Spring (March/April).  I want to enjoy the holiday months sans guilt and training stress.

If my body says no, then I am ready to accept that. Ultimately, my body will be the boss on this one.

My emotional/mental health:

I'll be the first to admit that the last few weeks have been the biggest, longest roller coaster ride I have been on in a very long time. It's been chalk full of ups and downs, twists and turns, highs and lows; many I wasn't sure I could get through. But somehow, some way I did.

"History has demonstrated that the most notable winners usually encountered heartbreaking obstacles before they triumphed. They won because they refused to become discouraged by their defeats."

I've been really trying to concentrate on refocusing my thoughts and energy when I find myself thinking negatively or when I am feeling discouraged. My own self deprecation is my worst enemy. It can stop me dead in my tracks if I let it and I have decided I will not let it.

New mantra: I can. I have. I will again.

It also helps to have such amazing friends and family that believe in me. All of that positive encouragement lifts my spirits and helps me get through on those days that are tough.

Short term/long term goals:

The list is in progress, but firming up. Short term goals are taking precedent for now. Forward thinking only.

Tomorrow:


I continue to look ahead and push through the mental and emotional garbage. Only option.


"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning." - Albert Einstein

"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn." C.S. Lewis

Today is day 7 on my meds. And I feel good. I have let go of the things that I can no longer control and am holding tight to the things that I see in my future.

"Learning is not attained by chance, it must be sought for with ardor and attended to with diligence."
--Abigail Adams
I have always said that you learn something new every day. It is there for the taking you just have to slow down and digest it. This past week has taught me so much, not only about myself, but about those around me.

I have been humbled through this illness. My health and fitness are not all I that I am and they may be taken from me at any given time. I have learned not to take ANYTHING for granted. Cliche as it is, tomorrow is never promised. I have been reminded (because this one is always being taught to me) that I can't always do everything all the time and that that is okay. Perfection will never be attained in this lifetime so it's okay to let things go sometimes.

Those that are in my life that truly care have been supportive and loving. I have learned how much I am loved. I have been shown who will stand by me through the good and the bad. And all the encouraging words and support have truly uplifted me and given me strength.

I am always striving for more patience in my life and with last week's sudden attack I have been forced to practice it daily. It's been extremely tough mentally for me to not be active. I have not been to the gym or did any type of exercise for 12 days. That is the longest stretch of time of inactivity in the last 12 years! I guess one day for every year is what I'm due. :-) Tomorrow I will attempt yoga. I figure I can always sit in child pose the whole class if it gets to be too much. I just need a small mental boost to get me through the rest of the week.

Giving trust to my doctor has been a lesson as well. I know he is the educated one on this disease. And I know, rationally, that he has my best interest at heart. I also know that he wouldn't put me on a medication he didn't think I needed. Learning to trust him through this has been a step by step process. I am trying to be open to his course of action but at the same time hold on to a little bit of power in my care. He says he will work closely with me in monitoring my progression with the meds, particularly the prednisone, so that we can minimize the side effects. I am banking on this. But I also know that whatever is meant to be will be. I have a few things in my back pocket I can turn to once my course of steroids is done.

I never thought that this journey of figure training I embarked on would lead me to so many revelations and lessons. I am constantly learning how much I can deal with and how strong I really am physically,mentally and emotionally. I have yet to cross that elusive finish line, but when I do that victory will be that much sweeter. <3