My road to independence comes at a price...

For 10+ years I allowed another person to take care of me: financially, emotionally, mentally, physically. I trusted that this person would make all the right decisions for us and our family and would support me in every way possible.  I stopped being independent the day I got married. I lost a part of me that had always been very important. Being able to rely on myself in every possible way was my every day. It helped make me who I was, who I wanted to be, who I thought I would always be.

Today, I am having to learn things anew. Some things that many people find basic, such as paying bills, managing an income and household expenses, saving for the future and any financial emergencies is something I haven't had to do in a very long time. It hasn't been my "job". My ex took over every financial aspect of my life. He wanted to do it. In fact, he insisted on it. One more way for him to take control. And me being the good wife I was, let him. And now I am paying for it.

I know that it is going to take some time to relearn these things and get reacquainted with managing a househould. I understand that this road will also probably have lots of bumps and turns. It doesn't make it any less frustrating. It makes me feel slightly less then competent.

Giving someone such power over me was one of the hardest decisions I had to make in a relationship but I did it because I trusted that person. I try to live my life without regrets but this is one choice I am having a hard time accepting without feeling like a complete failure. The only way I can push through this is to just do it because I am on my own again and no one is going to figure this out for me but me.

I am grateful for my family for supporting me with housing and finances in my time of my need. I know that I could not probably make it back to independence without them. But with this also comes sacrifices for us all. For me, it also forces me to have patience once again. It seems that life continues to give me lessons in patience in the hopes that one day I will finally have enough of it to not need these frequent lessons.

Privacy has been an issue for me lately too. It's been really hard adjusting to living in a home with not only my 2 children but also my mother and sister. I lived on my own for 7 years before I got married. Then I adjusted to living with a spouse and my children. But even during that time I still had days and times where I was alone or the house was quiet. I don't have that luxury anymore and I know it probably sounds like a trivial thing to some, but for me having that absolute emptiness has always been essential to my happiness and has helped me thrive as a person. Not to mention living with my mom makes me feel like a teenager again. :-/

I know in due time this will all work itself out and I will once again become an independent self sufficient woman but at this moment in time it seems so far away. Faith and patience. Perservance and hard work. This is what will get me to where I need to be. Where I deserve to be. In the meantime, I just need to breathe.

"It's easy to be independent when you've got money. But to be independent when you haven't got a thing -- that's the Lord's test. "
Mahalia Jackson

One step at a time

"Sometimes you have to forget whats gone, appreciate what still remains, and look forward to what's coming next."

Today was another step towards my future. It brought with it a host of emotions: nervous, happy, excited, accomplished, proud. I see my rainbow a little more clearly today. The path to my end goal is being cleared and although I now see it on the horizon I also see that the work has only just begun. I am ready and willing to put in the time. After all, the greatest of the great had to start somewhere, right?!

I had my first shadowing session with my personal training mentor, Brad today. He did a leg workout session with 2 women today and I basically just observed, added encouragment, helped with weights. He explained some of the things he was doing directly to me, but mostly I just listened to his instructions to his clients, taking in as much as I could as we moved through the workout.

After the session was over we chatted some about his clients, how we will progress and what my opportunities for the future will be. I am not certain how long it will take me be ready to take on my own clients but I do know that I will be taking those clients from Brad. He has big plans for me and an assured future working with/for him here at this studio, as well as in the distant future working along side him and managing his own private studio.

Brad & I have been trying to get this working relationship underway for a couple years now. Sometimes it takes a little time to get all the stars aligned and I feel like finally, when I need things to go in my favor, they are lining up as they should. The end goal will be to be a personal trainer with my own client base, working in Brad's AZ studio location and managing his clients when he is away at his California studio. It may be another year or two before we get to this end goal but I am looking forward to working towards this amazing dream. Brad is an amazing trainer and an even more amazing person. You have to understand that he is doing all this for me out of the goodness of his heart and because he believes in me. What a blessing to have a person like this in my life!

There is also a possible opportunity for me to rent space at this studio to do massage. I would be able to offer those services to not only my current massage clients but also to my future training clients and any of the other trainers clients as well. There are well over a dozen trainers at this studio so there really is endless opportunity to grow. The studio is new, fresh and energizing. I already know a handful of the trainers on staff so it will be an easy tranistion for me here.

Here is a link to the studio if you are interested in learning a little more about my new "home."

http://scottstrainingsystems.com/

I will go back into the studio Thursday afternoon to shadow 2 more sessions. The girls go back to school next week so I should have more time available to get into the studio. I am going to shoot for 5-10 hours a week. It is important to me to make it a doable goal and to be consistent about it. This time I am committing is not paid time but rather more of an unpaid internship of sorts. It is kind of unheard of really, but I want to be able to offer my clients the best of the best. Learning from one of the best is the surest way to became one of those "best" as well.  Referrals are the best compliment you can get and I want my clients to be able to say they would refer anyone they know to me. I believe in top quality service and if my clients are not getting what they expect how can I expect them to continue working with me?!

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

Yesterday was not the day I expected it to be. I learned some new things about myself and I am really proud of the person I am. Some people are naturally self less. Some become self less as they experience life. In the end, I think when life hands us challenges it forces us to look at ourselves in the mirror and decide if we like what we see and can live with that image. I know that I can sleep easy at night.

We went to court yesterday for what was supposed to be the first of many. It turned out to be the first and the last. I am officially divorced.

Let me first start off by saying I am not going to go into all the details here. It wouldn't be completely fair as we know there are 3 sides to every story: your side, their side and the truth :-) I will just say that I compromised on a lot of things yesterday and gave up a lot of money and material things. But I also learned a big lesson. I learned the true meaning of  "Money can't buy you happiness".

There is no amount of money that can buy my sanity. Money is not ultimately the most important thing in my life. My children, my health, my peace of mind, my long term happiness are the most important things. I decided to let a lot of things that I was fighting for go (alimony, items from the home, tax exemptions). Apparently more then 10 years of marriage and dedicating my life to my family were not enough to warrant me some of the basics things I thought I deserved. I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud of who I am. Ulitmately, that's the only thing that counts.

I am saddened by one door closing yet excited for the many others that may open. I have big dreams, big plans and I plan to put my nose to the grindstone and make them happen.

I will be learning how to become self sufficient again. My ex took control over every financial aspect of our relationship/home and I haven't a clue of how much any things costs anymore. I luckily have an amazing mother who has been and will always be by my side every step of the way.

Today a few more clouds have lifted and the end of the storm is nearly here. My rainbow is slowly coming into view.

"One half of knowing what you want is knowing what you must give up before you get it."  ~Sidney Howard